Friday, August 29, 2003

Okay, don't get excited. I'm...I have to stop this blog for a bit. I need to take care of the small and huge parts of my life that are getting out of control. I don't mean I don't want to write - I just think I'll be forgetting, doing a half-assed job. Faking it, is what I mean. I don't want to do that. I'll let you know what happens next in my life. Look out for Johnny's web site. I am so totally stoked to get going on that and blow him away. God only knows if he'll be able to make a business of sheds - but he told me that Charity's got a good idea for kids' sheds, I guess like playhouses. That sounds very marketable. The diversifications are great. I think if he just gets it all in order instead of doing stupid things first, he's got a chance. I'm also getting in order. That's why you won't be hearing from me for a while. If Johnny really gives me $2000, maybe I can go away for awhile. Going to take a course in September. Tonight, on the way home...going to help Brenda out. She's going to get conned, maybe hurt. We don't want that.

Peace out!!

Thursday, August 28, 2003

Hot enough for you? I'm planning some very big things. I have surveyed my territory. I've got a steady job, a contract with a production company, a bid to do my own comic book, and a contract - so to speak - to do Johnny's website and logo. And a steady girlfriend. Funny, didn't I dump her a few days ago? I'm sorry I mean, didn't I say good-bye? I'm sorry - just a bit confused, bitter about that. That's a lot to handle. If I put myself into an animated film, like "The Little Prince" - only thank god I'm lots taller, I'm standing on this world of mine. I'm dominating it. But it's still tiny. I haven't done much with my website. Not since I opened it. I have to reclaim my life. Clean up, make the right choices. I'm thinking a lot. Randy got really stung by Liz. She's all over this restaurant guy. He's always leading her away from himself. Too bad I didn't do that with Victoria.

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

I have a few moments to myself. I feel like an outlaw hiding out. It's all quiet out there. What I mean is, there's no calls from Victoria, voicing yet another serious matter. When I say my ears have been burning, I mean literally. So, while everything is still, I will tell you another crazy story. Mrs. Murphy has found her urn, but she's going to pay some wacko $1000 to get it back!!!! I mean, okay, it contains the ashes of her husband, but really. I think she has totally sketched out. She doesn't need to be spending money like that. She's got a family and no husband there. She didn't want to listen to me. She listened to this giant fellow who was all "you need to buy your heart's desire before your soul goes bankrupt" kind of stuff. Can you imagine listening to strangers to tell you what to do with the deepest parts of your life...and spend your money to do it too? What is the matter with her? I think he may well have something to do with it. Oh, I'll be able to do a sketch for the police, no problem. He hasn't sat with us before. I hope she gets her brains back before something bad happens. You shouldn't even deal with people like that. It's jsut dangerous.

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

Three words: Victoria is back.

Do you understand?

I'm taking this course in September, called "The Journey". A friend named Faye said their motto is "kick life in the balls before it gets away from you." In my case, it's the reverse. I broke it off with Victoria and she snapped back like a rubber band. She made me feel so bad. Randy thinks the Journey is a cult. Frankly I don't care. I need help.

Monday, August 25, 2003

Today I reclaim my life. Victoria is a part of my history. She always liked me and supported me, so I think she will be fine with it. I feel very much in control and it feels great. This is what I'm going to be like from now on. So, I have something to take care of, I have to move on it now, make some right decisions and get going. I'll write, but that'll have to be when I'm ready.

Friday, August 22, 2003

I'm on a neighbour's computer. I had to go with my parents to help some of their friends celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. Rather astounding, isn't it? I mean, if I started now...They're playing all this old music. Not my stuff, you know. But they're happy and laughing. Even though their six year old granddaugher did a face plant playing in the basement. Wild. Now she's at the hospital with her mother and aunt. And we're left here trying to fill in the holes of the family that has been together for so long. And they just carry on. They're worried, you know, but, they've been carrying on for fifty years. Because people fall down, break things, bleed, get comfort and first aid and carry on. I guess that's what Brenda and Doug were on the way to. I can see where she was hurting about what she'll be missing. Sad, some peeple don't even think it's ever possible. Which brings me to Victoria. I'm going to break up with her. It's not working. I think I needed it to work because I thought she was going to be the first. I thought it needed to work. I thought I needed to go through all the stages. To keep it going. But, I don't think so. The word "dump" is not very nice, but it's well used and well understood. I told Randy (and Faye, a family freind) that I was going to dump her. I should have jsut said Iwas going to break up with her, or stop seeing her. "Dumping' is so egocentric. It's like you don't want to be hurt from losing someone so you use this over the top word to make you feel more in control. Dump them before they dump you. Well, I jsut think she's not the one. It's not an easy thing to say, but I have to. Fifty years. I mean, wow. Totally amazing.

Thursday, August 21, 2003

Wow, I tried to start this around noon or something, and the screen went dark. Your basic rolling blackout, I guess. I am feeling GREAT. No, Victoria didn't say yes all of a sudden. Yesterday, I got the news that BigMan is still MINE. Mine, mine, mine. I can do the comic books version. Forget about a series. They can have it. Can you imagine how much work that would be just to keep the television fed? Lucas is so great to have read that. I hope he's right. I hope he wasn't drinking at the time. Didn't sound like it. Actually, he sounds real straight and sober. Going to a lawyer will do that, I guess. But seriously, also yesterday? I got a second job. Drawing and designing. For Johnny's shed business. It's wierd, but he's trying. Besides, I'm in charge. He's looking to me. I'm not sure if he's even seen a web site. He's gonna freak when he sees what I can do. Did we party at my place? Yes we did! We all got plastered and had barbecued hamburgers. I feel great.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

Dana sat down with me yesterday on the ride home. I was mighty down. Yeah. And she asked me about it. I think I got 2 minutes in. I told her that Victoria didn't even make it all the way through dinner before she bailed, complaining about a headache. If she thinks my parents aren't going to like her, why would she think they'd like her dumping them in the middle of a meal? My mom even made her special caramel flan -it's difficult, with eggs and stuff. She doesn't make it everyday. And I'm left...with egg custard, I guess, on my face. So I'm pretending everything is alright, and I'm eating this really great dessert, but it tastes awful. Not really, but from the way I was feeling. And my dad hates waste. I think it's really not going too well with Victoria. I think it's like too much work. It should be more fun. So, maybe we should talk about it. Anyway. Dana doesn't even know all that. I asked her to cheer me up, and what does she say? She says she made it with the stripper from the stag and she feels great. Thanks a lot Dana. Oh, we had a very, very deep and poignant conversation where I was all the upper road guy - you should break up with Sue before you do that. I don't know how I did that. Or why. I know I said I care that she's happy, but maybe I shoulda let her crash and burn. I got to go and get that train home.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

I hate women. What is the matter with them? What is the matter wtih me? Victoria...I don't want to talk about it. Needless to say, it did not go well last night. Starting with the ride home. She got all stuttery and defensive. She not like that at all. We were sitting with Brenda and Liz. Jeez. Maybe I should have thought of that. Of ALL the people to sit with, I put her with a lion and a...hmmm. A pitbull or something. Brenda grabs onto something and just doesn't let it go. They both were saying Victoria's so old for me. It was like being in a hot seat. And I feel bad for Brenda and all that, but she's always talking about the great stuff she had with Doug and how everyone else's life should follow that. Like, how can she even think that it would? Victoria and I were just fighting the two of them off the whole way. She like lost her power to be free and easy and herself. Isn't this the 21st century for crying out loud? Do people who are going out have to follow some freaking pattern set in stone? I'm beginning to see why Pete likes hookers. No, I don't mean that really. It's not a good solution. It would jsut be so much easier. I don't want to think about it anymore. But that's all I'm doing. Eyes open, eyes closed.

Monday, August 18, 2003

So, it's been an interesting few days, hasn't it? All of you on the same side of the continent as me. Darkness covers the internet. No light to be seen anywhere. The States blames us and we blame the States. Way to be grown up and intelligent. That's alright. I got a day off work. Except now I have to work like a dog to make up. I got falafel all over my scanner at lunch. I hardly have time to enter the blog. I'm tired. But tonight, Victoria's supposed to come over on the train and meet my folks. I think I'm fine with that. And then I think about it and visualize what they're gonna talk about and then I'm not fine with that. She's cool, Victoria. Weird, but cool. I think they'll like her. But she is, you know, an OLDER woman. I mean, she is nice. Smart. She knows all about real estate. My roommates like her. Maybe her and Dad can play a video game. Maybe not. She'd beat him and he'd get mad. I don't think she's the type to help Mom in the kitchen. I guess I'll have to do that. I don't know if tonight will be "the" night. It's a bit difficult to think about having sex with someone who just ate dinner with my folks. Actually, it probably won't be that difficult. I've thought about it long enough. Hey, Brenda lost her urn of Doug on the train last week! God, that's awful. Somebody could have kicked it over and blam it's airborne. Just like anthrax. Brother, that's horrible. All of us breathing in and tramping poor Doug underfoot. I hope she finds...him. All together, I mean.

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

Interesting ride home last night. Brenda had Doug's urn with her and we were checking out which photos to glue onto it. Weird, eh? She is just all artsy crafty. But, it seemed to make her feel better. Half the time I was feeling a little nauseous when I thought about it. But, we listened to her tell stories. It's funny how peole move from those beginnings - like I have with Victoria, where you don't know anything for real and you're guessing everything, to knowing everything. Like, Brenda said she knew what Doug would like even though he's dead. Isn't that wild? I wonder if I could ever be that honest with someone else. I think I'd always have some kind of secret. I'm not that great at telling the truth full out. But, when you're married, some people say you're not supposed to have any secrets from each other. And you're supposed to, you know, love each other. Until the day you die. So I guess they made it.

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

Randy in NOT a happy man. He is way the opposite. Completely. Samantha's a hooker and Pete is just freeking unbelievable. I can't believe that guy. He sent Randy a prostitute - to suposedly make him happy. I thought Pete was extremely smart. He is such a jerk. And he's still riding me about Victoria. Telling me "Warnings" - like she's a serial killer or something. I don't get him at all. Randy is like down and bleeding, and Pete goes and runs over him. I hope I don't see Randy on the ride home. But, maybe I should call him or visit. I have no idea what to say. This is so way out of proportion. And on top of that, Brenda's husband was killed in a bike accident! This is all just horrible.

Monday, August 11, 2003

Well, Randy may be a happy man after all. I think he's on his way to finding true love. There was this girl, I mean, this woman on the train on Friday...long dark hair, see through blouse (she had something underneath). She just hit it off with Randy. She listened to everything he said like it was, I dunno, gold. She seemed to connect with everything in life. It's like he met the perfect match. She even liked The Princess Bride! I guess quoting Mandy Pantinkin with her is better than quoting Klingons with me any day. And you know, he darn well should. He deserves a lovely girl. I mean woman. It's unbelievable the things they had in common. Baseball pools. Computers (she's studying at Mac). My god. Then they went for drinks. I left them alone. I had a good excuse. I had to clean up my place because my mom dropped by. (Of course, it wasn't clean enough for her. She pulled her rubber gloves out of her purse and started "helping" me, and my roommates - that was embarassing.)

Friday, August 08, 2003

I met Rae Dawn Chong on the train home last night! She is one of my break dancing heroes. She was with Lucas. I knew Nicole was going to try to see if she would even talk to him, and here she is going home with him. Well, out for dinner. How weird is that? He's got something, that Lucas. But, you know, she did talk to me. She told me I was good at break dancing. Which I'm not well known for. I tried to tell her about BigMan, you know, like writing and illustrating and it's a series and everything - which is important stuff she'd be interested in - but Lucas cut me off. I couldn't say much. I didn't want to make Lucas angry again. I need him for my project just as much as her needs her.It was kind of nerdy of me to break dance in front of her. I don't know why I did that. Wouldn't do that to a stranger. What is it about celebrities? In fact, everybody on the train was going kind of nuts over her. I lied. I do break dance while I'm walking around. While I'm eating toast and reading a book. It just happens. But, I don't go around doing it in front of people like a - a street mime. Jeez. Anyway, on top of that, Dana knows all about me and Victoria. I mean all about. But she was cool. We had a good discussion. I gotta talk to Victoria. Randy wasn't on the trip. I guess he's all tied up figuring out the big screw up at his bank. He's been robbed! If it was Agnes who took his money I'm in trouble. I am yet again involved in ripping out his guts. I'm supposed to be his friend. I'm getting worried that I'm bad news for him.

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

I spent he whole trip home yesterday going around the train and making apologies. I thought it was going to be hard. And man, was it! I wasn't even sure if they believed I was sorry when the words were coming out of my mouth. But after? What do you know? Like it's a whole new world today. Stuff has been lifted off my back. Like the weight of not knowing what they're thinking. Lucas is going to help me. It sounds easy. I thought I was screwed to the wall with that contract. Now I guess, maybe we're even partners again. I'll have to talk it over with him. Hopefully this time, everything will be up front and on the table. Know what he said? It's big of me to apologize. Cool. I feel so good. I can hardly wait to tackle those creeps at ErosToons. I mean...those fine people I have a creative difference of opinion with. Lucas said not to burn any bridges.
Randy I still feel bad about - he's really hurting. But he said all things happen for a reason. I even helped him out. He was demonstrating to Liz how easy it was to hack into her drug company's database. I helped him find the password. Good thing they were doing that security check. Seems just too easy. Liz will have to tell the company to do something about that.
So, I'm a happy man. I got friends. They're talking to me. I'm going ahead with BigMan and it's all good.

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

Let's see, can I balance all the guilt I feel about Randy and Agnes splitting up with all the angst I feel about BigMan being screwed by ErosToons? Why, yes, a freeking heavy scale on boths sides. I'm starting to look at all those "Are you depressed?" ads in the paper with unusual interest. Except, I know the reasons for what I'm feeling. It's not like there's no reason. I just keep making these huge mistakes. I guess I'm just not that life-experienced. I hope. But at what age do you stop making mistakes? There are some really big guys out there. Old ones. Went to three or four universities in total. They make lots of big mistakes all the time. Just read the politcial section of the paper. But, I think they don't care. I don't see them sitting around saying, "Gee, I'm awful sorry I messed up your country" or "Sure I lead the country, but I can mess around". The hugeness of their mistakes? I'm sure they don't feel a bit of what I feel. And if I want to get help for the BigMan series, guess what I have to do? It's a never ending circle of getting humbled by default.

Monday, August 04, 2003

Man, I'm tired. And I've tried to do this three times now. I can't stop thinking about Randy. I've inflicted pain on him again. I wasn't trying to. I'd like to blame it all on Pete. But I'm the one that didn't hang up the phone. We were having a great time, I mean a great time on the train home. We were going to the stag - I had all this stuff made up. Real Klingon time for Randy - it was great. He loved it. He was speaking like a Klingon and everything. Pete rigged a stripper (okay, but I'm not doing it every day) to come in and look like she was a security guard - going to arrest us, or at least, Randy for drinking beer. Then she danced. And she was good. We were having a great time and then Agnes phones. And I left the phone off the hooked and she heard things - that she shouldn't hear. She called off the freeking wedding, man. What's Randy going to do? I know that I hate her right now. If I never saw her again, it wouldn't be too soon. But, she's the one that Randy wants. And my blog was missing for a while too. When people get all weird (like people do) can't you even rely on cold, impersonal technology?

Friday, August 01, 2003

Dana is pretty strong. And level headed. But I don't know about realistic. She's very hot on keeping her own integrity artistically speaking...but she's not in the same circumstances. She doesn't have this pressure. She's lucky that she doesn't have to make any decisions about who to please with her music. Mind you, she's not really progressing as far as I have. You gotta break some eggs or what is it?? You gotta make mistakes or make nothing at all. Still, I hate the pornography. They're asking for way too much. It's not me. It's not BigMan. Why does the promise or prospect of money always bring such pressure? Maybe I should be a penniless cartoonist chalking up the streets of Toronto. They make some cash, you know. But that's really ground level. I mean really ground level. Too bad about Sue. I hope Dana will be okay. I gotta say she's pretty strong about that all right.

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