Big Man World Domination Weblog

2003-08-29T14:13:00.000-04:00

Okay, don't get excited. I'm...I have to stop this blog for a bit. I need to take care of the small and huge parts of my life that are getting out of control. I don't mean I don't want to write - I just think I'll be forgetting, doing a half-assed job. Faking it, is what I mean. I don't want to do that. I'll let you know what happens next in my life. Look out for Johnny's web site. I am so totally stoked to get going on that and blow him away. God only knows if he'll be able to make a business of sheds - but he told me that Charity's got a good idea for kids' sheds, I guess like playhouses. That sounds very marketable. The diversifications are great. I think if he just gets it all in order instead of doing stupid things first, he's got a chance. I'm also getting in order. That's why you won't be hearing from me for a while. If Johnny really gives me $2000, maybe I can go away for awhile. Going to take a course in September. Tonight, on the way home...going to help Brenda out. She's going to get conned, maybe hurt. We don't want that.

Peace out!!

2003-08-28T15:02:00.000-04:00

Hot enough for you? I'm planning some very big things. I have surveyed my territory. I've got a steady job, a contract with a production company, a bid to do my own comic book, and a contract - so to speak - to do Johnny's website and logo. And a steady girlfriend. Funny, didn't I dump her a few days ago? I'm sorry I mean, didn't I say good-bye? I'm sorry - just a bit confused, bitter about that. That's a lot to handle. If I put myself into an animated film, like "The Little Prince" - only thank god I'm lots taller, I'm standing on this world of mine. I'm dominating it. But it's still tiny. I haven't done much with my website. Not since I opened it. I have to reclaim my life. Clean up, make the right choices. I'm thinking a lot. Randy got really stung by Liz. She's all over this restaurant guy. He's always leading her away from himself. Too bad I didn't do that with Victoria.

2003-08-27T16:37:00.000-04:00

I have a few moments to myself. I feel like an outlaw hiding out. It's all quiet out there. What I mean is, there's no calls from Victoria, voicing yet another serious matter. When I say my ears have been burning, I mean literally. So, while everything is still, I will tell you another crazy story. Mrs. Murphy has found her urn, but she's going to pay some wacko $1000 to get it back!!!! I mean, okay, it contains the ashes of her husband, but really. I think she has totally sketched out. She doesn't need to be spending money like that. She's got a family and no husband there. She didn't want to listen to me. She listened to this giant fellow who was all "you need to buy your heart's desire before your soul goes bankrupt" kind of stuff. Can you imagine listening to strangers to tell you what to do with the deepest parts of your life...and spend your money to do it too? What is the matter with her? I think he may well have something to do with it. Oh, I'll be able to do a sketch for the police, no problem. He hasn't sat with us before. I hope she gets her brains back before something bad happens. You shouldn't even deal with people like that. It's jsut dangerous.

2003-08-26T12:51:00.000-04:00

Three words: Victoria is back.

Do you understand?

I'm taking this course in September, called "The Journey". A friend named Faye said their motto is "kick life in the balls before it gets away from you." In my case, it's the reverse. I broke it off with Victoria and she snapped back like a rubber band. She made me feel so bad. Randy thinks the Journey is a cult. Frankly I don't care. I need help.

2003-08-25T10:27:00.000-04:00

Today I reclaim my life. Victoria is a part of my history. She always liked me and supported me, so I think she will be fine with it. I feel very much in control and it feels great. This is what I'm going to be like from now on. So, I have something to take care of, I have to move on it now, make some right decisions and get going. I'll write, but that'll have to be when I'm ready.

2003-08-22T21:03:00.000-04:00

I'm on a neighbour's computer. I had to go with my parents to help some of their friends celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. Rather astounding, isn't it? I mean, if I started now...They're playing all this old music. Not my stuff, you know. But they're happy and laughing. Even though their six year old granddaugher did a face plant playing in the basement. Wild. Now she's at the hospital with her mother and aunt. And we're left here trying to fill in the holes of the family that has been together for so long. And they just carry on. They're worried, you know, but, they've been carrying on for fifty years. Because people fall down, break things, bleed, get comfort and first aid and carry on. I guess that's what Brenda and Doug were on the way to. I can see where she was hurting about what she'll be missing. Sad, some peeple don't even think it's ever possible. Which brings me to Victoria. I'm going to break up with her. It's not working. I think I needed it to work because I thought she was going to be the first. I thought it needed to work. I thought I needed to go through all the stages. To keep it going. But, I don't think so. The word "dump" is not very nice, but it's well used and well understood. I told Randy (and Faye, a family freind) that I was going to dump her. I should have jsut said Iwas going to break up with her, or stop seeing her. "Dumping' is so egocentric. It's like you don't want to be hurt from losing someone so you use this over the top word to make you feel more in control. Dump them before they dump you. Well, I jsut think she's not the one. It's not an easy thing to say, but I have to. Fifty years. I mean, wow. Totally amazing.

2003-08-21T16:06:00.000-04:00

Wow, I tried to start this around noon or something, and the screen went dark. Your basic rolling blackout, I guess. I am feeling GREAT. No, Victoria didn't say yes all of a sudden. Yesterday, I got the news that BigMan is still MINE. Mine, mine, mine. I can do the comic books version. Forget about a series. They can have it. Can you imagine how much work that would be just to keep the television fed? Lucas is so great to have read that. I hope he's right. I hope he wasn't drinking at the time. Didn't sound like it. Actually, he sounds real straight and sober. Going to a lawyer will do that, I guess. But seriously, also yesterday? I got a second job. Drawing and designing. For Johnny's shed business. It's wierd, but he's trying. Besides, I'm in charge. He's looking to me. I'm not sure if he's even seen a web site. He's gonna freak when he sees what I can do. Did we party at my place? Yes we did! We all got plastered and had barbecued hamburgers. I feel great.

2003-08-20T17:54:00.000-04:00

Dana sat down with me yesterday on the ride home. I was mighty down. Yeah. And she asked me about it. I think I got 2 minutes in. I told her that Victoria didn't even make it all the way through dinner before she bailed, complaining about a headache. If she thinks my parents aren't going to like her, why would she think they'd like her dumping them in the middle of a meal? My mom even made her special caramel flan -it's difficult, with eggs and stuff. She doesn't make it everyday. And I'm left...with egg custard, I guess, on my face. So I'm pretending everything is alright, and I'm eating this really great dessert, but it tastes awful. Not really, but from the way I was feeling. And my dad hates waste. I think it's really not going too well with Victoria. I think it's like too much work. It should be more fun. So, maybe we should talk about it. Anyway. Dana doesn't even know all that. I asked her to cheer me up, and what does she say? She says she made it with the stripper from the stag and she feels great. Thanks a lot Dana. Oh, we had a very, very deep and poignant conversation where I was all the upper road guy - you should break up with Sue before you do that. I don't know how I did that. Or why. I know I said I care that she's happy, but maybe I shoulda let her crash and burn. I got to go and get that train home.

2003-08-19T12:01:00.000-04:00

I hate women. What is the matter with them? What is the matter wtih me? Victoria...I don't want to talk about it. Needless to say, it did not go well last night. Starting with the ride home. She got all stuttery and defensive. She not like that at all. We were sitting with Brenda and Liz. Jeez. Maybe I should have thought of that. Of ALL the people to sit with, I put her with a lion and a...hmmm. A pitbull or something. Brenda grabs onto something and just doesn't let it go. They both were saying Victoria's so old for me. It was like being in a hot seat. And I feel bad for Brenda and all that, but she's always talking about the great stuff she had with Doug and how everyone else's life should follow that. Like, how can she even think that it would? Victoria and I were just fighting the two of them off the whole way. She like lost her power to be free and easy and herself. Isn't this the 21st century for crying out loud? Do people who are going out have to follow some freaking pattern set in stone? I'm beginning to see why Pete likes hookers. No, I don't mean that really. It's not a good solution. It would jsut be so much easier. I don't want to think about it anymore. But that's all I'm doing. Eyes open, eyes closed.

2003-08-18T12:31:00.000-04:00

So, it's been an interesting few days, hasn't it? All of you on the same side of the continent as me. Darkness covers the internet. No light to be seen anywhere. The States blames us and we blame the States. Way to be grown up and intelligent. That's alright. I got a day off work. Except now I have to work like a dog to make up. I got falafel all over my scanner at lunch. I hardly have time to enter the blog. I'm tired. But tonight, Victoria's supposed to come over on the train and meet my folks. I think I'm fine with that. And then I think about it and visualize what they're gonna talk about and then I'm not fine with that. She's cool, Victoria. Weird, but cool. I think they'll like her. But she is, you know, an OLDER woman. I mean, she is nice. Smart. She knows all about real estate. My roommates like her. Maybe her and Dad can play a video game. Maybe not. She'd beat him and he'd get mad. I don't think she's the type to help Mom in the kitchen. I guess I'll have to do that. I don't know if tonight will be "the" night. It's a bit difficult to think about having sex with someone who just ate dinner with my folks. Actually, it probably won't be that difficult. I've thought about it long enough. Hey, Brenda lost her urn of Doug on the train last week! God, that's awful. Somebody could have kicked it over and blam it's airborne. Just like anthrax. Brother, that's horrible. All of us breathing in and tramping poor Doug underfoot. I hope she finds...him. All together, I mean.

2003-08-13T12:41:00.000-04:00

Interesting ride home last night. Brenda had Doug's urn with her and we were checking out which photos to glue onto it. Weird, eh? She is just all artsy crafty. But, it seemed to make her feel better. Half the time I was feeling a little nauseous when I thought about it. But, we listened to her tell stories. It's funny how peole move from those beginnings - like I have with Victoria, where you don't know anything for real and you're guessing everything, to knowing everything. Like, Brenda said she knew what Doug would like even though he's dead. Isn't that wild? I wonder if I could ever be that honest with someone else. I think I'd always have some kind of secret. I'm not that great at telling the truth full out. But, when you're married, some people say you're not supposed to have any secrets from each other. And you're supposed to, you know, love each other. Until the day you die. So I guess they made it.

2003-08-12T15:47:00.000-04:00

Randy in NOT a happy man. He is way the opposite. Completely. Samantha's a hooker and Pete is just freeking unbelievable. I can't believe that guy. He sent Randy a prostitute - to suposedly make him happy. I thought Pete was extremely smart. He is such a jerk. And he's still riding me about Victoria. Telling me "Warnings" - like she's a serial killer or something. I don't get him at all. Randy is like down and bleeding, and Pete goes and runs over him. I hope I don't see Randy on the ride home. But, maybe I should call him or visit. I have no idea what to say. This is so way out of proportion. And on top of that, Brenda's husband was killed in a bike accident! This is all just horrible.

2003-08-11T16:38:00.000-04:00

Well, Randy may be a happy man after all. I think he's on his way to finding true love. There was this girl, I mean, this woman on the train on Friday...long dark hair, see through blouse (she had something underneath). She just hit it off with Randy. She listened to everything he said like it was, I dunno, gold. She seemed to connect with everything in life. It's like he met the perfect match. She even liked The Princess Bride! I guess quoting Mandy Pantinkin with her is better than quoting Klingons with me any day. And you know, he darn well should. He deserves a lovely girl. I mean woman. It's unbelievable the things they had in common. Baseball pools. Computers (she's studying at Mac). My god. Then they went for drinks. I left them alone. I had a good excuse. I had to clean up my place because my mom dropped by. (Of course, it wasn't clean enough for her. She pulled her rubber gloves out of her purse and started "helping" me, and my roommates - that was embarassing.)

2003-08-08T09:21:00.000-04:00

I met Rae Dawn Chong on the train home last night! She is one of my break dancing heroes. She was with Lucas. I knew Nicole was going to try to see if she would even talk to him, and here she is going home with him. Well, out for dinner. How weird is that? He's got something, that Lucas. But, you know, she did talk to me. She told me I was good at break dancing. Which I'm not well known for. I tried to tell her about BigMan, you know, like writing and illustrating and it's a series and everything - which is important stuff she'd be interested in - but Lucas cut me off. I couldn't say much. I didn't want to make Lucas angry again. I need him for my project just as much as her needs her.It was kind of nerdy of me to break dance in front of her. I don't know why I did that. Wouldn't do that to a stranger. What is it about celebrities? In fact, everybody on the train was going kind of nuts over her. I lied. I do break dance while I'm walking around. While I'm eating toast and reading a book. It just happens. But, I don't go around doing it in front of people like a - a street mime. Jeez. Anyway, on top of that, Dana knows all about me and Victoria. I mean all about. But she was cool. We had a good discussion. I gotta talk to Victoria. Randy wasn't on the trip. I guess he's all tied up figuring out the big screw up at his bank. He's been robbed! If it was Agnes who took his money I'm in trouble. I am yet again involved in ripping out his guts. I'm supposed to be his friend. I'm getting worried that I'm bad news for him.

2003-08-06T14:48:00.000-04:00

I spent he whole trip home yesterday going around the train and making apologies. I thought it was going to be hard. And man, was it! I wasn't even sure if they believed I was sorry when the words were coming out of my mouth. But after? What do you know? Like it's a whole new world today. Stuff has been lifted off my back. Like the weight of not knowing what they're thinking. Lucas is going to help me. It sounds easy. I thought I was screwed to the wall with that contract. Now I guess, maybe we're even partners again. I'll have to talk it over with him. Hopefully this time, everything will be up front and on the table. Know what he said? It's big of me to apologize. Cool. I feel so good. I can hardly wait to tackle those creeps at ErosToons. I mean...those fine people I have a creative difference of opinion with. Lucas said not to burn any bridges.
Randy I still feel bad about - he's really hurting. But he said all things happen for a reason. I even helped him out. He was demonstrating to Liz how easy it was to hack into her drug company's database. I helped him find the password. Good thing they were doing that security check. Seems just too easy. Liz will have to tell the company to do something about that.
So, I'm a happy man. I got friends. They're talking to me. I'm going ahead with BigMan and it's all good.

2003-08-05T11:04:00.000-04:00

Let's see, can I balance all the guilt I feel about Randy and Agnes splitting up with all the angst I feel about BigMan being screwed by ErosToons? Why, yes, a freeking heavy scale on boths sides. I'm starting to look at all those "Are you depressed?" ads in the paper with unusual interest. Except, I know the reasons for what I'm feeling. It's not like there's no reason. I just keep making these huge mistakes. I guess I'm just not that life-experienced. I hope. But at what age do you stop making mistakes? There are some really big guys out there. Old ones. Went to three or four universities in total. They make lots of big mistakes all the time. Just read the politcial section of the paper. But, I think they don't care. I don't see them sitting around saying, "Gee, I'm awful sorry I messed up your country" or "Sure I lead the country, but I can mess around". The hugeness of their mistakes? I'm sure they don't feel a bit of what I feel. And if I want to get help for the BigMan series, guess what I have to do? It's a never ending circle of getting humbled by default.

2003-08-04T16:50:00.000-04:00

Man, I'm tired. And I've tried to do this three times now. I can't stop thinking about Randy. I've inflicted pain on him again. I wasn't trying to. I'd like to blame it all on Pete. But I'm the one that didn't hang up the phone. We were having a great time, I mean a great time on the train home. We were going to the stag - I had all this stuff made up. Real Klingon time for Randy - it was great. He loved it. He was speaking like a Klingon and everything. Pete rigged a stripper (okay, but I'm not doing it every day) to come in and look like she was a security guard - going to arrest us, or at least, Randy for drinking beer. Then she danced. And she was good. We were having a great time and then Agnes phones. And I left the phone off the hooked and she heard things - that she shouldn't hear. She called off the freeking wedding, man. What's Randy going to do? I know that I hate her right now. If I never saw her again, it wouldn't be too soon. But, she's the one that Randy wants. And my blog was missing for a while too. When people get all weird (like people do) can't you even rely on cold, impersonal technology?

2003-08-04T16:26:00.000-04:00

blah

2003-08-04T15:46:00.000-04:00

2003-08-01T12:51:00.000-04:00

Dana is pretty strong. And level headed. But I don't know about realistic. She's very hot on keeping her own integrity artistically speaking...but she's not in the same circumstances. She doesn't have this pressure. She's lucky that she doesn't have to make any decisions about who to please with her music. Mind you, she's not really progressing as far as I have. You gotta break some eggs or what is it?? You gotta make mistakes or make nothing at all. Still, I hate the pornography. They're asking for way too much. It's not me. It's not BigMan. Why does the promise or prospect of money always bring such pressure? Maybe I should be a penniless cartoonist chalking up the streets of Toronto. They make some cash, you know. But that's really ground level. I mean really ground level. Too bad about Sue. I hope Dana will be okay. I gotta say she's pretty strong about that all right.

2003-07-31T12:15:00.000-04:00

Lucas says I stabbed him in the back. We were fighting on the train yesterday...like he started out friendly enough. He started out asking me about how's business, you know. Then he was riding me all about artistic integrity and trying to cut me down and you know if he hadn't had such a big mouth in the first place this wouldn't have happened. Man, I was angry. He was just supposed to introduce me to some people to get me started. That's what he said he wanted to do. I mean, Lucas talked about BigMan like he didn't really know who he was and that was bad. Now ErosToon is talking about BigMan like they don't even care who he is. Lucas has got all the deal lingo down and just rhymes it off. Too bad he's such a jerk.

2003-07-30T12:06:00.000-04:00

Places to go, people to see. I'm all business now. But, I'm starting to get jealous of the big concert. Is nobody working? I'm starting to think I should really be there. The hype is really getting to me. The historical perspective is awesome. I wonder if it will live up to the hype. Or if it will get real toronto tiny because that huge amount technical crap will break down for a couple of minutes...or a couple of hours...will that huge amount of people be all kind and happy? Or will the prime minister have to call out the army? It's incredible to think about. I'm not going. Got other more important things to do than listen to music right now.

2003-07-29T09:13:00.000-04:00

Interesting night last night. I was going to report on the "research" I did for Randy's party to Pete and then Brenda Murphy sat right down beside us. So, we managed a covert conversation. Pete was trying to get me, but I got him back. In the end though, Brenda thought we were both cross dressers. Okay, so I know we were joking about it and talking like that, but she didn't even flinch. She just thought that we were. What does that mean? Then, because she thought we liked wearing skirts and stuff, she tells us about her kid. She found pictures of him dressed in her clothes. That's gotta hurt her. Pete said David Bowie turned out alright, but I think she wasn't that comforted. She's pretty straight laced. Aside from drinking, gambling and scandal making, she's a very innocent type. By the way, I think Pete has forgotten all about Victoria, now that he's concentrating on strippers. Deep guy.

2003-07-28T09:04:00.000-04:00

I was feeling pretty good on Friday. It's not every day that a big-time rich guy is jealous of me. That woud be Pete. Mr. Suit and Briefcase. Mr. Earplug. El Bastardo. I've never seen him act like such a...a kid. He's dellusional about Victoria. And I'm enjoying what is real. A real nice relationship. I hope I see her again. As for the rest of the weekend, BigMan dominated my world. Even the shape of the peanut butter on my toast became a candidate for a new character on BigMan. Luckily, when you are completely over your head with work that you don't know how you're going to finish in time, there are other obligations you have to take care of to stretch your brain completely out of shape. I took a break from work work and worked on Randy's party. I never thought I would be glad when a party was over.

2003-07-25T10:10:00.000-04:00

I met Victoria on the train again. Wow. That was like, nice. But, what is it with Pete? He just hands me these strippers' phone numbers right in front of her, like it's something I'm all into. Luckily she seemed to understand when I told her about the stag party. She also warned me to be careful of Pete. Well, that's for sure. He was acting really strange yesterday. Like he wanted to get me or something. I thought we had a truce. He couldn't be jealous of Victoria? He dumped her. I don't know why. She's amazing. She likes me a WHOLE lot. She came back to my place to have my pasta special. Gossip and private lives really get around on the train home. I should know, eh? I don't think Victoria would like that. She seems very decent. She's very...mature.

2003-07-24T11:47:00.000-04:00

I was at my table drawing and working on this BigMan stuff and I talked to Shauna. A little while later, she talked to me again,and I said, hey, you changed your clothes. And she said, like, it's a different day, you know. Man, I get so intense on this stuff, I don't notice time passing. But it's a lot of work...for $3000. Hmmm. I should be hearing from those guys anytime now. It's a bit scary. It's just me. I don't have that big time producer stuff happening like with Lucas. And, god, the party. Man, I'm swamped. When will I have a little fun in life?

2003-07-23T08:52:00.000-04:00

Have you ever planned a stag party? I'm the best man, so I'm supposed to do it, apparently. Doesn't sound like I want to be there, but I'm first on the list anyway. And I'm busy with the series - the artwork, the stories, the characters, the business. Everything. Pete is also insisting that we do this old traditional thing. Cigars, we don't smoke. Booze, alright. Steaks - do I have to pay for them? Strippers. I don't know. I don't think Randy would really like that idea. And if Agnes EVER found out. I met her yesterday. Not so bad. But Randy was so nervous, there must be something else. He was rolling his tie! All the girls seemed to like Agnes fine. But maybe that's women. But a stripper? I've seen enough naked women in life drawing classes. All kinds. Except for Randy's sake - I've got to figure this out. Pete says if Randy's a man, he'll want it. Maybe if it was a green stripper. A Star Trek stripper. I don't think I like it. By the way, Pete says I have brass balls for business. I think I like it.

2003-07-22T09:51:00.000-04:00

I feel like I'm living in two different worlds. Lucas is so angry with me I didn't even look at him, let alone say hello. He was seething. I know it was about me. Then, at the same time, Randy is making me laugh so loud - in my head - I couldn't laugh at him out loud. He's so smart. Then he goes and paints his head. Dana said he looked like Astro Boy. I mean...he did all this for a woman. God, I hope I don't get that way. Maybe if I don't go bald. Maybe if I don't lose my mind.

Such a mistake with Lucas. I've blown it. It's an ugly feeling.

2003-07-21T08:26:00.000-04:00

I had the worst Friday ever. Actually, I think that this might have topped when Pete passed out my Blog. I went to this meeting with Lucas at lunch on Friday and I was so blase, so like whatever because I can't exactly entertain offers. Anyway, this tactic completely backfired and they were lovin' it. Great. Just what I wanted. In my Zach fantasy world, the people would have been so offended by my indifference and Lucas would have been angry. He would have pulled a if you can't take this seriously, I don't think that I want to do business with you deal and I would have been free. Free! But of course, nothing in the world of Zach Eisler happens the way it should.
I did it. I told him. I told him that I signed an option agreement and that he isn't part of the deal. I thought that I was going to throw up. He started saying that the reason that the producers don't want him involved so they can take advantage of me. I was really upset by that. The reason that they want me is because its my idea and he can add nothing to the project but flash. That's what Lucas is, all style, no substance. Then he started going on and on about how I was taken advantage of and how he's actually happy to get out now. He said that I could have gotten $30,000 in development money alone.
I was confused by this. I don't know anything about this stuff and I feel like I'm in a vulnerable situation. We'll see how things pan out. I haven't even finished BigMan episode#1 so I don't know what the deal is. I just hope that they are good people.

2003-07-17T08:41:00.000-04:00

I didn't tell him. I couldn't. I really wanted to but I just couldn't bring myself to... Lucas has even arranged a meeting for us at Nelvana which is one of the biggest animation companies in Canada. I said I would go. I tried to get out of it. I should have told him. He' s just so excited about it. I couldn't do it. I suck.

Brenda Murphy got fired yesterday, gave her two weeks notice. She was pretty surprised becuase she thought she was getting a raise. I got fired from a temping job a while back because I stold some hi-lighters (long story). That was totally different because I didn't want to be designing posters at a dumb bank company anyway. This job is Brenda's whole life. I actually feel sorry for her. She really is one of those "means well" people.

2003-07-16T08:32:00.000-04:00

What exactly is an option agreement? Here's what I think it is: A development promise from a company to pay serious attention to something that you've done. At least, I hope that's what it is. So I'm signing my life away to ErosToon (the not so porn porn company). They called me yesterday and said that there were interested in developing the idea of BigMan: The Animated Series. There were pretty positive about everything but who knows what's really going on. I've never had anyone hand me $3000 in a lump sum. I suppose it should go right into the old saving account. I don't know... it's weird to be paid for something that you've always done for free. I mean, I'm someone who was alwasy told that you aren't going to make a living drawing pictures. Strangely, I feel that I'm on the verge of something. Here's the bad part of what I've done: I've told the ErosToon folks that Lucas isn't essential to BigMan. I guess I got swept away in the moment and lost sight of how things are done. That's the official response and the way I'll present it. I've got to tell him though... I jsut don't know how to do it. In my defense, Lucas really doesn't have anything to do with the project other than talking it up. I mean, he isn't essential. I just don't want to tell him. I hate keeping secrets because, well, I'm terrible at it.
I tried to talk to someone about it but Shauna was working late and Erik had rented a couple of DVDs... what kind of person rents "Shanghai Knights" anyway... that's the kind of movie you see on a plane or something. Judging from the comedies that he brought home, he wasn't in the mood to talk about how I've betrayed my producer. I even called my parents to talk but my mother started telling me how my cousin just got into some American law school. It's very exciting... aparently. So I didn't really tell her what's going on.
I just hope that I haven't made a terrible mistake.

2003-07-15T11:53:00.000-04:00

It's pretty slow at work. The city has all these "events" they put on but in between "events" it's like dead air.

Still haven't heard anything from those companies. Those film people sure work on a different schedule than the rest of the world. They kept on saying "There is no funding crisis" like it was some kind of hilarious industry inside joke. I'm like... whatever.

2003-07-14T11:58:00.000-04:00

Weekend was good. Saturday was the only crappy weekend that we've had in Toronto since the summer started. It was good because I knew I would spending the entire weekend indoors at the Toronto Trek Convention, and had a great time. Randy was there and he was way more relaxed than he's been in a while. I think it was because it was because Agnes was out of town. He seemed to be enjoying the day, wearing Spock ears and everything.
Nothing else really going on. Oh wait... yeah, Pete almost killed me on Friday, demanding his $110? Aparently some transit authority flashlight cop stoped him and didn't think that he was Christopher Walken. So poor old Petey's got a fine. He should stop passing himself off as celebrities if he doesn't want to face the consequences.
Haven't seen Shauna around? I think she's working double shifts this week. It's amazing how you could live with someone and never see them!

2003-07-11T08:24:00.000-04:00

So since I 've spoken to Lucas about the situation, I can be free to write this without the chance that there will be any backlash over this.

We had our last meeting yesterday with this group called Eros Toon (that's the not-quite-porn-porn-company) and it was the best of the bunch. Now I'll say this... I haven't had much experience in the media industry. At work, I just keep to myself, hang out with people like Michelle and Jerry the courier. There are others but all I'm saying is that there isn't this 'got to be a people person' ethic that there seems to be in the entertainment industry. Got to be a people person... what's that all about? I mean, I'm not a sociopath or anything but I'm not exactly mr. social butterfly. So when we go into those meetings, I'm supposed to be "open" and "inclusive". Aparently Lucas felt that I didn't make enough of an effort to include these producers in my pitch. But then again, Lucas gets into pitching mode and its all metaphors and similies. And I'm like... slow down there cowboy... even the producer is confused. I guess that that's the way that they are supposed to talk.

Probably the most hurtful thing was that Lucas gave off the impression that he had been involved in the BigMan creative process. That was a little too difficult to stomach. BigMan is my creation. That's my dream. I thought that Bone Shredder (or whatever that film's called) was his. I wonder if he just sees that this what I want to be doing and not some kind of time to cash in on the inexperience guy. He acts as if he's my savior, like I would have never got these meetings or even be serious about my work without him. Okay, in some ways, he is right... as much as I hate to admit it. As I have said, I would never be at the point where I would even be considering doing an animated series.

I just don't want to sell out.

I wonder if I'm really ready for this step. Randy pointed out how someone like Stan Lee had to struggle for years before he was able to turn his comics into television shows.

Randy thinks I should suck it up and wait to see what happens. I jsut get that queasy feeling listening to Lucas describe BigMan as Superman or Spiderman. Too much angst for a Friday!

2003-07-10T10:33:00.000-04:00

I called in sick for the first time yesterday. I've never done that before and there is a certain power in pretending to be ill. I was a little surprised at how easy it was but was even more surprised when Shelley said that she wasn't surprsied. She said that I've looked a little "under the weather" (ie. like hell) for the past couple of days.
So I went to those BigMan meetings with Lucas. It was a bit of a weird situation and I don't really want to write much about it because I don't really want to psycho-analyse and debate it anymore in my head. There are times when you have to either let things go or speak up and I'm not quite sure which one of those times it will be. I talked to people I trust (like the always helpful and lovely Shauna) and have had very different responses. I just don't know how to handle the situation so I'll leave it at that. I'll update all you loyal Zach-ites (or do you prefer Zach-heads?? Ha HA like anyone cares) as soon as it unfolds. I also don't want to jinx the meetings by talking them up or down. I used to be the kind of person who would get so excited about things that when they didn't pan out it hit me pretty hard.
I'm sure that there's nothing between Michelle and myself. Another case of over-analysis here and wondering to the xtreme. I really think that she jsut sees me as a friend and well, that's actually okay for the moment as I have other things going on right now. I also don't know if I want to go out with someone who is vastly superior at video games. Not that I have a complex about being beaten at a game.... by a girl. I just don't want to be beaten by anyone!
So back at work today and working on the fringe layout because of the last minute show reviews and updates. I don't think that anyone even noticed that I wasn't there yesterday. Well, when I'm a rich n' famous and everyone asks what I was like back BEFORE... I bet everyone will remember me. I just hope I don't get described as one of those quiet, shy, kept to himself types.

Yeah right!

2003-07-09T12:32:00.000-04:00

So now everything is spinning out of control in a completely different way. At first I thought that my life couldn't get any more complicated but as I review this blog, sure enough there are always strange and unusal goings on in the world of Zach Eisler. Typical. Just when something comes to an end, another thing begins. Someone wise once said that everything comes in threes. Well, they are right.

So here's what happened. First off all, there's this girl at work, Michelle who is pretty cool. I mean, she isn't a typical girl and likes video games and Kung-Fu movies... although, I am discovering that there appears to be no such thing as a typical girl these days. Anyway... so we were hanging out and she mentioned that her Xbox was broken. I started teasing her that it hates her and that it is just on strike or wants some alone time... but anyway, she thought it was funny and we ended up deciding that she was going to come over because she swore she could beat me at Grand Theft Auto. Technically, it wasn't an official date but she is a girl so I guess that's halfway there. She came over for a couple fo hours and actually beat the champ but I had an excuse. My mind was all focused on...

BIGMAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES!! Right, so of everyone on the train, Lucas (who we all might remember me calling a doink earlier in this blog) take it the best. He's been all over getting me meetings for the series. It's a weird thing because something that could have destroyed my relationship with people has actually lead to this connection between Lucas and myself. There are three companies that I'm having meetings with today. One of them does kids shows and the other one has done animations. The last one is called Eros Toon and they do more riske work. Lucas assures me that they don't do porn but I don't know what that means. I was pretty freaked out because this is all very sudden but also I'm like, what am I going to say in these meetings? Lucas saw that I looked like I was going to have a nervous breakdown and decided that he would do the pitch and use me as the creative guy.

2003-07-08T10:32:00.000-04:00

Vengence is mine.

It's a bad day to be Pete. A very bad day.

2003-07-07T08:02:00.000-04:00

It's weird because I'm looking at this blog with a whole new respect. Part of me doesn't want to write anything too controversial so I'll try to put a cap on my emotions. On the other hand, my readers demand the truth and as it appears that I actually have a fan-base, there is a responsibility to be genuine.

It's a hard line to walk and I must do it in a Johnny Cash style.

So Lucas has some great ideas for BigMan storylines on Friday. He seems to want to introduce me to people that can turn BigMan into BigMan:The Animated Series. It's a little fast, I mean, I've only got a couple of issues ideas but Lucas was showing me how easy it is to use the newspapers as a source. Some of his ideas were pretty terrible but a lot of them had weight. I'll have to think about it. That's a big step. I mean, I always thought that it would be:

1. Publish independant comic book
2. Find larger publisher to work with
3. Get cult following
4. Get animated series on network like that one Spike Lee is suing.

and I'm not even at step #1 yet.

I try not to get my hope up but my imagination tends to run away with me.

By the way, I'm still Randy's best man. I know that I've said some pretty mean things about Randy but he is a classy guy. I tried to resign from being his best man after hurting his feelings and he wouldn't accept him. I am a very lucky person to have a friend like that. To demonstrate my gratitude, I helped him fold 200 paper geese. I think they're for the wedding invites... or he likes to torture me.

2003-07-04T10:34:00.000-04:00

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack!

After a brief - shall we call it - "holiday", I have returned.

First off, certain posts have been adjusted to coincide with certain events. So Liz if you read this, changes have been made.

On the other hand, I want to say I have learned my lesson about being so obvious with my weblog. Expect changes in the future, though none of the Zach-isms that you know and lovewill dispear. I just think that I need to implement some changes.

Also, I've received a LOT of support from the blogging community since this whole discovery happened. I just want to thank everyone for being on my side when it looked like so many of my friends were against me. I am sorry for what I did and yes, it was immature and idealistic to think that nobody would find my website and blog. However, I never knew that I had this support system of people I have never met in person. Thanks, everyone. It's been a tough couple of days.

2003-06-30T08:56:00.000-04:00

So I'm freaking about this whole weblog thing. We were talking about revenge on Friday on the way home and I kept thinking about Pete. I don't know why he's so upset. It's not like I spend all my time dissing him. Maybe he's jelaous that I didn't write a lot about him and to pay me back, he's torturing me.

The weekend was okay but I feel like I'm living in a heightened state of something or other.

But I have to remember that this is a private thing and people shouldn't be offended. I don't do this to get anyone back or to extract a cold, calculating revenge. I just think these things and feel like I need to get it out. I know some people push everything down and walk around like everything's cool but then they explode and throw a murder party. I think its much, much healthier to rant for a while on a website than go postal.

So its healthy.

So there.

Okay, tiny bit of gossip that I need to get out of my head: Nicole's Max is married. I told you she lives in an alternate reality.

2003-06-27T11:55:00.000-04:00

Right... so Pete found this site and now I have to do:

ZACH EISLER'S DISCLAIMER

If I wrote about you on the site and it offends you, sorry. I did it in the spur of the moment and I am prone to exaggeration. I don't believe in editing this site because it is my brain in its purest form. You wouldn't edit a diary. I don't give out surnames so people shouldn't be so vain to think that I'm writing about them.

If you don't like this, don't read it. It's not meant for haters.

2003-06-26T09:56:00.000-04:00

There's so much to do at work. There were all kinds of problems in the Pride Week guide and events keep on getting added at the last minute. Work is insane and Shelley is insisting on perfection.
I missed the train home today and ended up coming in around 9. Shauna and Erik were in the living room boith reading that stupid Harry Potter book. I would like to say that I hate Harry Potter. Those books are so lame, and people don't realise that they are just magical boarding school stories like those 50s books. I tried to read one of them but the ending was obvious and it was overall pretty boring. However, both my roomates are fans. They kept on doing the 'Are you at this part when...' or 'Wait until you get to...' I went to my room.
Shauna droped by and asked me if I wanted some leftovers from her dinner which she had made from the restaurant. Anyway, she came into my room and lay down on my bed. She wanted to know if everything was okay about Dana because I hadn't mentioned it or talked about it for a while. I was a little surprised but I think that she really wanted to hear what I was thinking. I told her how I met Sue and how I still feel a little hurt by the whole thing. I haven't even sat with Dana since she told me that she was gay. Shauna admited that she had had a crush on her gay friend Derek for a while but it doesn't stop them from hanging out. She thinks of him as just another girl but I don't know if I can think about Dana as a guy. Shauna said that I think of her as a guy and I thought that was poignant because I don't think of her like that anymore.
Sigh.

2003-06-25T07:57:00.000-04:00

It's Pride Week here in the centre of the universe. It kicks off tonight and lasts all weekend. I remember going to Pride a couple of years ago when I was in high school and it was like the gay pavillion at Disneyland. Of course, as Tdot is one of the official sponsors of the week, I've got to put in a couple of extra hours tonight. I love it when they say... oh could you put in some time... like the "could you" is a thinly veiled... would you??? Oh well, that means that its going to be a late night for Zach.
I've been looking over this blog and have found something increadibly disturbing... I either talk about girls that I like or these people that I take the train with. The train is a commuter train so it's not like I'm grabbing the orient express everyday. I look like I have less of a life than I actually do. Actually, nothing happened yesterday except for some crossword follies where Randy was stressing out over a waterfowl clue "T_ _ k". Uneventfully, it turned out that Randy didn't know that dog in German ended with a D and not a T so really it was a "d_ _ k" which makes everything that much easier. Is my life an ongoing whirlwind of excitement? Je pense que non (that's french immersion for you, or what's left of it).

2003-06-24T08:36:00.000-04:00

We were talking about childhood heros yesterday on the way home from work. I was sitting with Randy and this girl, Nicole, who I know but not very well. Nicole's one of those people who you think has about a million different lives, like a secret agent. I don't know why I feel that way about her but it just seems like she's got so much going on. She works at this very exclusive hotel downtown on 'Guest Services' which means that she takes care of guests. I think that they do things like redecorate people like J.Lo's hotel room in white silk. So Nicole would be the one who would assign the unlucky bellboy to do that redecorating job. We were telling stories aobu t how we found inspiration in the strangest sources as kids. I mentioned how The Hulk helped me stand up to this bully that I had when I was in grade school. I think her name was Lorraine something-or-other (My mother says that she's in law school now, which is perfect for bullies). Okay, I know that it kind of sucks that my childhood bully was a girl but she was a mean girl, like one of those field hockey ones without the cute skirts... Randy totally shocked me because he said that he got inspiration from Rocky. This was weird because I would have thought he would be more influences by comic books but he revealed himself as a multi-dimentional geek by mentioning Rocky. Actually, I'm now using the word 'geek' as an endearing term with Randy. He has been under a lot of stress and I should be more tolerant. Nicole told this story that was surprisingly hot. It was how she took her top off at a party in an immitation of Jennifer 'Flashdance' Beals. I couldn't believe it. I guess under the staid facade of a guest services person beats a total wild woman. I know that her boyfriend/fiance/whatever is supposedly an 'older gentleman'. I wonder if she gets the chance to let loose and just relax. All these people with older partners make me feel like a baby. Maybe I just need to get with a real woman to show me how its done... a la Demi Moore/Aston Kutcher. Ha ha. Right, maybe if I didn't look 12 I'd have more of a shot with the laydeez.
Shauna's working evenings so this is the extent of our communication:
Me: Hi Shauna.
Shauna (exhausted): Hi Zach
Me: How was work?
Shauna: Okay...
Me: How are you?
Shauna: Tired. I'm going to bed. See ya tomorrow, okay?
Me: Sleep well.

This is what its like everyday. No tea, no pyjama flouncing... no nothing.

2003-06-23T08:40:00.000-04:00

Post-weekend traumatic stress disorder. This was one lousy weekend for yours truly. First off, on the way home from work on Friday I was stuck sitting with this guy Pete and the always lovable Mrs. Murphy. First off, Mrs. Murphy wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to be gay because Dana is a lesbian. So maybe someone out in web-land can explain this little gem to me. Okay, so I liked Dana. Okay, so Dana's gay. Big deal. I think I would like to see what goes on in Brenda Murphy's head because how she could draw such a clear line from one thing to the other is beyond me. This guy Pete who was sitting with us, who kind of know but not really. Here's my summary of what Pete is like: the guy always has one of those earpieces in. Obviously he's so important (I think he's a stock broker or something equally dull) that to take that stupid thing out of his ear for one minute would alter the course of world history. Strangely, the only call that I've ever heard him receive was to be dumped by someone from Mrs. Murphy's office. Pete also treats me like I'm something on the bottom of his shoe. He looks down at me and pretends that everything he says is so much more evolved that anything that I could ever understand. It was a pretty annoying ride home.

So the weekend... right. Well, let's see... was it the fact that Shauna ditched seeing The Hulk with me to go off to some party for Erik's friends. This was a little strange because it was all so last minute. I was actually in line, getting tickets when she called to say that Erik was going to this party and did I want to come because she was going. I said no because I didn't want to and also I was almost at the front of the line. So I went to see The Hulk by myself. It was extremely okay. Thought that Eric Bana was good, Nick Nolte looked like that mug shot and the CGI Hulk wasn't too annoying. Anyway if you have a really good tv, I would wait for the video. And of course, if The Hulk was a childhood inspiration, go see the film. Did you ever notice that there's all these tormented superhero movies out lately?

Anyway, Erik's party was supposedly fun. I think that he did his Nemo Seagull immitation again much to the delight of losers everywhere. Barely saw Shauna because she had the brunch rush yesterday. Most disappointing weekend was had by me.

2003-06-20T08:31:00.000-04:00

I'm trying to think of a word to describe Lucas and its not coming to me. Actually, the word that I'm thinking of is 'doink' but that is a stupid, immature word... so let's leave it at that. I came home yesterday and wanted to spend some quiet train time working on my comic. But Lucas the Lothario (you like that? it's alliteration or something) came and sat next to me. He wanted to know if I'd seen Animatrix (which of course I had) and started talking at me. I hate it when people talk at you when clearly you are doing something else... like, I don't know that he's sitting right across from me, trying to get my attention. So the big idiot starts squirting me with his water bottle, totally ruining my Bigman work and soaking my pants. Of course I looked like I peed myself. So what could I do but fight back? My honour must be protected. We engaged in a water fight until some kid came up and pointed out that Lucas also looked like he wet himself. Ha ha. Turned out that Lucas knew the kid's folks and went to school with them 'back in the day'. Of course, when Lucas left it gave Shannon the chance to give her opinion on what she sees as a dangerous thing: me looking up to Lucas. She was kind of right to call me on it because I have been admiring the adman since he hooked me up with booze in an attempt to help me get over Dana. Of course, its not just because he is the purveyor of flasked alcohol but because he can get any girl he wants and actually get them wherever he wants. Shannon was all like you can't go around being a player or else you'll get played... which I think is a good point. It did make me think about this whole Shauna thing and how maybe the Dana thing was falling for the outside of the person instead of the inside. I think I might have let on to Shannon that I've got a thing for Shauna. I wonder if she thinks I'm a loser for moving on to another girl so quickly? It doesn't matter because I know Shauna more as a person than I ever knew Dana.
Plans for this weekend? I am going to see 'The Hulk', probably Saturday. Erik is coming and Shauna, surprisingly, was interested as well. Usually she goes to see movies like 'Whale Rider' but she actually wants to see this one. She says its because she likes Ang Lee but that is just a theory to cover up the truth. I really liked the Hulk when I was younger but later thought he wasn't so great. It just seemed like he's got anger issues. I'm interested to see what's going to be done and I hope that there's a good story. I mean, I thought that 'X-Men 2' was better than 'X-Men' because it was way less meet-the-mutants but then Batman, Spiderman and Superman originals were the best of the series. I hope that the CGI Hulk isn't too annoying but he looks pretty realistic. We shall see. Stay turned True Believers...

2003-06-19T08:17:00.000-04:00

I wish that loser Erik was home a lot less. Whenever I want to hang out with Shauna, he's always around. I just want to be with Shauna alone. She came in late from work yesterday and was really exhausted. We stayed up and chatted for a while but then Erik came in. He just took Gerald (who is his little brother and not some middle-aged man) to see 'Finding Nemo'. He said it was great and then went on and on about how hilarious the sea turle was, doing the voice and immitating parts from the movie. I hate it when people do that... I'm like, if I wanted to see the movie, I would see the movie, not listen to some guy pretending to be the turtle. Shauna must have been more tired than I thought because she was really laughing at his impressions. 'Oh, Erik' she kept on saying. I think I might have snapped the chords in the back of my eyes from rolling them so much (note to self: what are those things called, I'm sure that chords isn't the right answer). All I'm saying is that since I've been using Shauna to get over Dana, the more it feels like the answers to all my problems were right in front of my face.
Speaking of Dana, she brought her girlfriend on the train yesterday. I actually met her (without realising that they were together) before. Sue seems pretty down to earth and not at all Dana-like. She has this older lesbian vibe to her, which means that she's comfortable with her sexuality and doesn't care who knows it. Actually, Sue is pretty attractive in a lesbian sort of way. I mean, she doesn't wear plaid or anything like that. She's pretty earthy. Maybe that's why Dana asks so grown up, because of Sue. I don't think that I could handle being with someone who was obscenely mature.

I've kind of wanted a *serious* relationship for a while now and I think that Shauna might just be that person. When I look at someone like Lucas and how he a magic effect on the ladies, I wish I had more of that. Okay, so he's a male slut but what's wrong with that. At least he's getting it, unlike someone else I know. Lucas just has this way of doing things that makes me go, yeah, that could be me. Yeah, right... like in an alternate universe where I am not the KING of the GEEKS.
And speaking of GEEKS, guess who got one of those phones with a camera? That's right, the big man himself... Mr. Randy Ko. I have to admit that its a pretty cool little toy. I would like something like that... then I could put it in Shauna's room when she's getting ready for bed... or doing other things... heh heh... I am evil Zach, getting a bit more like Lucas every day.

2003-06-18T09:17:00.000-04:00

Today was the first day in what feels like forever that I woke up and didn't think about Dana. Of course, the fact that I feel the need to write this doesn't exactly prove that I'm over her. Great. Now I'm obsessed with a lesbian that I can't have. It's like the on-again-off-again relationship between Peter Parker and Mary Jane ...except that we won't be together in the end. Um, so actually its nothing like that. Maybe the reason why Dana's less on my mind is that I've started thinking about Shauna in a more serious way. She was so great when I was dealing with the Dana thing. I always though that she was hot but in a my guy friend who happens to be a girl kind of way. Now I'm thinking that she's hot in a my roomate is sexxxy kind of way. It makes things a little weird. Maybe I've always had these feelings. I've known her for a long time and they say that if you know someone for a while they either gain or loose their attractivity (is that a word?)

I realise that I was a bit harsh on Randy yesterday and seriously thought about printing a retraction. Now, I just feel sorry for the guy. We were coming home yesterday and he was still going on about the diet. I tried being supportive, telling him how loosing weight is a good thing, can make you look better/feel better but all the guy does is complain and complain and complain.

My office at work is freezing! This sucks because its pretty warm and nice outside but I still have to bring a coat and throw it into my locker. Jeez, I sound like I'm still in high school. Maybe we'll have a locker decorating contest.

I have such an exciting life.

2003-06-17T08:39:00.000-04:00

I am not going to talk to Dana. I've got nothing to say to her. It's funny because there's that old debate about men and women being friends once sex is out of the picture... I used to think it was possible but now with Dana... I'm not so sure. I'm tired of being the nice guy, best friend, undatable.

Randy is really starting to piss me off. There, I've said it. I mean, I like Randy a lot and we've known eachother for almost a year... however, I'm getting sick and tired of how whipped he is. All he does is complain about Agnes but in this passive agressive way. He complains about how she makes him do this or that but then never does anything to stop it. I mean, at some point the guy's got to grow a spine. He's getting married to a woman that he raely says anything nice about. I wish he would either stand up for himself or quit his whinning. Last week, he threw up on the train. Let me type that again... he THREW UP on the TRAIN. How pathetic. I used to think that Randy was the coolest guy I knew, I mean, the coolest over 20 guy that I know but he keeps on getting himself in these situations where his natural lame-itude keeps on shinning through. Maybe I'm just going through a 'I Hate Everyone' phase. Probably he'll do something nice for me tomorrow and I'll be forced to publish a retraction but for today... I can't stop thinking about it. Is it possible to outgrow your best friend? And now that I'm best man, is that a lie?

2003-06-16T09:35:00.000-04:00

Dad's Day was good. I have to say that Dr. Stephen Eisler was most appreciative of the card I made him. Orginally I bought him this bottle of scotch. I would like to add that I'm a little weirded out by the fact that I can legally buy alcohol. Actually, it was kind of amusing because they always assume that kids just want to buy beer and alcopops and there I am in the fine ports section of the LCBO. Of course, I got carded but what else is new? I was proud of this new and very mature gift and felt the need to share it on the train. Then Lucas takes a look and slams my scotch. Aparently there are a list of things that a discerning scotch drinker should look for and -- as I am not a discerning scotch drinker -- failed miserably. He was so embarrsed FOR ME that he gave me my $40 back. So much for grown up mature gift. Everyone passed around the bottle and enjoy the scotch. I have to admit that I think its an acquired taste (ie. I thought it tasted like paint thinner -- not that I've ever tasted paint thinner).
Liz was talking about how her dad was a drunk. I got the impression that he's dead now but it sounds like he was pretty horrible to live with when he was alive. I think that he used to beat the crap out of her and her brothers. Lucas started off trying to top her 'I hate my dad' stories because his father didn't pay enough attention to him and sent him money for his birthday * Like cry me a river, Justin* Lucas stoped when he realised that the money=love angle was nothing compared to the beating=love angle of Liz's childhood. Makes me happy that Dr. Stephen is my dad, despite all his lecturing to me about having a "fallback" job and a "real future". The problem is that Dr. Stephen never took a risk in his life and everything was planned out for him. Go to university, go to med school, specialise in something, get married, get some kids, move to a nice big house (registered trademark), have a happy family (registered trademark), retire and move to Florida. Again, this sense of family bitterness seems to linger.
Of course, David outdid himself with his present for Dr. Stephen. Mom and Dad worship his science-loving ass. He got Dr. Dad a subscription to this Medical Wellness newsletter from some prominent California university.

All this said, Dad did love the card so it was a small victory. I rule.

(i'm so very sad and pathetic)

2003-06-13T09:28:00.000-04:00

Pajamas are the greatest thing ever.

I left work early yesterday, thanks to my boss who said I looked "horrid". She wouldn't let me work another minute after I came back from lunch. Not that I was going to protest whatsoever.

So I hopped on the 1:43pm train out of Union and headed home.

It was kinda weird. There I am sitting on the train like I usually do every night going home with the same group of people, Lucas, Nicole, Pete, Randy ... and others. But this is a whole new experience. It's light outside, there are fewer people sitting in my car ... someone is sitting in MY seat, but whatever. I'm the stranger and this is a foreign land to me.

The ride home was pleasant enough. A nice older lady sat next to me, knitting. Her daughter is having her first child, so she was knitting a little outfit for the new grandchild. She talked to me a bit about her life (very interesting - she was a secretary of Trudeau's at one time), and asked me what I did and what I want to do later in life, you know, the typical questions you get from your grandmother or ... a stranger on the train. The whole moment was too surreal in a way. The knitting, the kind older lady, the fact that it was quiet on the train for once ... I dunno. It was a calm moment. Gave me some time to reflect and relax for a bit. I was still feeling a bit of the affects from Wednesday night (someone has to invent a get-over-hangovers-fast pill or something).

Shauna was home. She was surprised to see me, but was glad that I was home. She fixed me some tea (which I'm not a huge fan of to begin with), told me to change into my pj's, sat me down on the couch, brought me a comforter, wrapped me up and then we sat. Sat and watched the blank TV for a bit. The tea was soothing, the blanket was warm and Shauna's company was just what the doctor ordered. We had fallen behind on the daily updates of what happens to her at work, we call it the Daily Dish (apropriately named as it's the name of her restaurant) ... so we shared a lot of laughs over the antics of the idiotic patrons she has to serve.

Shauna actually apologized for not being as supportive as she should have been. I told her it was alright, but she felt bad for kinda brushing me off earlier when I was so excited about Dana. It's alright. It kinda stung at the time, but I'm over it. Water under the bridge, right? She's an amazing friend and I'm so lucky to have someone like her around to make me tea when I need it.

so. yeah.

I'm feeling better today. It's gross outside with all this rain, not the best way to uplift ones mood, but that's okay. I got soaked today by a bus going by on my way to work, but it didn't phase me. Usually I would have been real pissed off. Now. It's kinda zen almost. Hehehe. Okay, not Zen, I'm just in this calmer place. There are other things that I have to deal with, bigger issues, figure out what I'm doing with my life. I need to talk to more older lady's.

Let's see how everything goes tonight ... back on the train ...

TGIF

2003-06-12T08:51:00.000-04:00

Mornings are not supposed to feel like this. Am I feeling? Do I feel anything? No. Not much. Except for that pounding headache, the dehydration, the numb mind, the broken heart, the awkward feelings, the bags under my eyes - yah, I'm feeling great. Just great.

I drank my face off last night. Started on the train, thanks to Lucas and his little "helper" flask of vodka. By the time I had left the train, I could hardly see straight, I was walking into people, got on the wrong bus and didn't realize it until 15 minutes later, stumbled the rest of my way home - my head was NOT in the right space to do anything. And then I broke into Erik's "secret" stash of liquor (it's not so secret, it's under his bed). I had myself a little party in my room. Just me and a little southern comfort. Ugh. I'm getting sick just thinking about it ...

I scribbled some junk in my book about BigMan and then read it this morning. I don't know what I was thinking. It's totally ridiculous. All of it. I don't even want to get into it because ... it's just not worth it.

Oh GOD!

So. Dana's a lesbian. Hit me like a ton of bricks - BAM! All this after I tried to KISS HER - or rather DID kiss her and she pulled away. Immediately I was like, "She's got a boyfriend, she's not interested, she's ..." whatever. I should have seen it coming ... THE WORST PART IS ... I've met her girlfriend - Sue or Susan or something - at a gig that Dana played in Burlington. I'm such a LOSER!!

Why didn't she tell me? What was that "date" all about? Why take me out for dinner? What!? All the signs and the vibes. I thought for SURE she was into me. I thought - I thought - I ...

She's gay. I'm straight. She likes chicks. And so do I. Ah. Conflict right there.

It was so painful to be on that train tonight. I was dreading it all day. I tried to sit alone in the back but Mrs. Murphy just had to drop by to give me more advice. Does she thinks she's a mother to us all? "Mother knows best!" Not her. I don't envy her kids at all. She must keep an iron fist around them - no secrets in that house, that's for sure. She kept going on about how I should try again.

I didn't tell her Dana was a lesbian. That would set her off for sure and I wasn't in the mood.

Thank God Lucas came along.

I showed him some sketches from BigMan that I was working on ... he seemed really into it. Guess he's a comic book lover too. And that's when he whipped out the flask. And then things get fuzzy.

I think he's working on a film script? Uh, Bone Hugger or ... Melting Bones ... or ... Boner something. I don't know. Something to do with bones and ... whatever. Sounded alright I guess.

But then he was talking about BigMan and how having a lifestyle like he has where he can get all these girls and is all studly (even gets them into the washroom on the train!!) isn't all that fulfilling. Man! He's having all this sex and he says that's not what he really wants. Is he INSANE? What I wouldn't do to be like him or BigMan. What I wouldn't do to be less "geeky" and more ... "sexy". To find a girl who likes me - to be "attractive" to someone ...

Lucas doesn't realize how lucky he is.

I don't want to be here ... I don't want to be here ... I want to be in bed ...

2003-06-11T08:46:00.000-04:00

What. Have. I. Done?

F@#K!

2003-06-10T11:25:00.000-04:00

How far would you go to be with someone. I lay awake in bed last night after scarfing down a large pot of KD as the fridge was a bare. No one in the house has time to go grocery shopping, so I dipped into our emergency stash of KD. Ah the joys of being young and ... what the hell am I talking about?

That's what my mind was like last night. I couldn't get to sleep. I started thinking about something that Randy was talking about on the train ride home last night. Aparently, Agnes wants him to lose weight. Now. Okay. Sure. Being physically fit is great, it's healthy, it's ... it's good. Sure. But Randy isn't obese or anything like that. The way he was talking about it, it was almost as if Agnes was forcing him to lose all this weight.

I can't say anything bad really about this woman that he's so "in love" with, but she seems like a control freak! The way I see it, there are two sides to this argument.

1. Changing someone for the better.
I figure, in a relationship, the two people in it are going to change whether they realize it or not. They're gonna rub off on each other, right? So change is inevitable. Certain things are going to have to adjust in order to make their lives fit together. Everyone comes from a different history and background. Everyone is bringing something different to the relationship. Everyone is going to change. Shuana's last boyfriend, Mike, was an ass. He was so stubborn - that's the kind of person that's gonna find it really hard to be in a relationship. Dana is someone that could definitely rub off on me in the right kind of way. After our date on Saturday, I realized that I'm not up on world politics as much as I, as a concerned citizen of the worldly state, should be. So this morning I bought a paper and started to read it front to back. Even the business section. I want to be "in-the-know". I came across this really interesting article about the Three Gorges Dam in China. They've like, totally wipped out entire villages that have been standing there for thousands of years, and relocated millions of people to new towns in order to flood the area. This dam is the largest ever built. It's massive! The flooding is happening as we speak. Or as I type.

See? That's a change for the better. Now I know what's going on around me. I feel smarter already.

Right.

And number 2. Forcing someone to change.
Agnes for example. Everytime Randy talks about her, there's something else she wants him to change. Like the fact that Randy had to change his best man from Tim to me -

Oh. I totally forgot to mention. Randy asked me to be his best man!! And I accepted. Yay. Big news.

But, the fact that Agnes made him change his best man because she thought people would think he's a loser - what's that about? Whatever happened to loving the person for who they are. If you have to change someone to fit what you're looking for in a partner, there's no point in being with that person. We're all individuals. Right? We all have our own lives. We're an individual before, during and after a relationship. A relationshp is a partnership. Mutual respect and understanding for one another.

Everyone's looking for the perfect person. Dana comes pretty close (haha), but we're all flawed. We're all messed up in some way. There is no perfection. That would be boring. Try as we might, we're never gonna create the perfect human. It's humanly impossible.

I gotta lay off the sci-fi.

So that's what kept me up at night. And now I'm exhausted.

Coffee ...

2003-06-09T12:45:00.000-04:00

Saturday. Wow. Oh to relive Saturday. Is there a rewind button I can use to go back and replay that night?

Obviously things went well with Dana. Really well. Really wow-she's-super-hot-and-smart-and-funny-and-wow-wow-wow ... Okay. I'm over doing it. Only because I was so happy. I was flying on cloud ... 13 the rest of the weekend. I haven't been able to concentrate on anything since then. I think I wore Shauna's ear off when I got home that night. She was still up watching some lame movie of the week. It was almost 2am I think. Anyway. I talked her ear off. She's a bit sick about hearing the name "Dana," but I say, "Hey. I've heard all about your man troubles. So deal. My turn. I'm up to bat. That's right. This is all about me."

Okay so I didn't actually say that. But I thought it. And then I thought about Dana. This must be love. Am I in love? Is this love? What is love? Who knows. I've never felt this way before about anyone. My mind is constantly drifting away from what I should be concentrating on to that girl on the train that drives me insane. Ha! A poet I am ... or not.

Erik was pretty excited for me. We grabbed some grub on Sunday at our favorite greasy spoond. He was right in there with me. That's one thing I love about Erik, always willing to listen to anything I have to say.

I can't wait to tell the guys on the train tonight. OH! I wonder if Dana will be on it. I hope so. To have one more look at that beautiful woman ... sigh ...

Whoops! Boss lady's coming. I'd better concentrate on my work.

Blah. Work. Who needs it when you've got "Dana" on the brain?

2003-06-06T09:42:00.000-04:00

So my date with Dana's tomorrow night. We've decided to go to some vegetarian restaurant which is obviously her choice. I hope that there's something to read other than tofu or vegetables or something else equally horrible. But, the food's not really important. Wait a second... did I just say that food wasn't important????

I didn't see her yesterday because things ran late at work. With all the changes to that NXNE lineup, we were pushed a lot of our regualr work aside this week. I needed to stay late and go through some ads. Shelley was working late as well and we starting talking. At first, I was really intimidated by her because she's super gorgeous but yesterday, she was telling me about her kid and her husband so she seemed like a real person. You can't have a crush on your boss, that's just a little sad.

I can't decide if I should show up to Dana's gig before our dinner. I've thought about it. Maybe it makes me way too eager but on the other hand, she would probably like the suport. It's easy for smaller acts to get lost in the NXNE shuffle.

Am trying not to get too excited about our dinner and am trying to concentrate on other things. I wonder if Randy's got any last minute advice. Maybe he'll come to her gig with me because that's way less obvious. Oh wait, Agnes isn't crazy about live music. She likes Celine Dion and that 'adult contemporary' stuff. Maybe she'll be going away this weekend?

2003-06-05T10:13:00.000-04:00

Some people are so narrowminded. I forget that most of the world is filled with people who have no clue. Yesterday I was on my way home from work and wanted to sit with Dana. I wanted to know how everything's going for her show and generally just hang out with her. Well, that didn't happen. Mrs. Murphy came over and sat with us. I really feel sorry for her kids. She has these views from the 50s and I'm like, come on lady, get with the new millennium. It was kind of funny because I could see how annoyed she made Dana, it was like everything that you shouldn't say, Brenda did. She starts off nattering on and on about what a bad day she's had. Then, she tells us about this insurance claim. Who cares???? I don't think that she got the hint that nobody was interested. She talked about running into Dana's parents on the weekend (I guess they go to church together),about how her kid is in a kiddie pageant or something and how the church is having a Christian rap concert with 'The Allmightys' and a couple other lame Christian bands. And she's all, why don't you come Zach... I mean, why don't you AND DANA come. So I told her that I'm Jewish and she was like... oh, I know a lot of Jewish people and they're all very nice. It's like when my grandmother talks about Chinese people and says how she has SO MANY Chinese friends... yet can't name any of them. It was pretty uncomfortable, especially with Dana there.
Anyway, she finally got up and moved off to pester someone else. By that time, Dana was so embarrassed about Mrs. Murphy's attitude that it totally killed the mood. I tried to keep the mood light by telling her about my free hot dog but then I realized that she's a vegetarian... I felt like a total loser.
Before Mrs. Murphy came in with her blah blah blah, Dana actually admitted something to me. Her show isn't part of NXNE but part of this fringe show. I think that it's great that she feels she can trust me like that. Probably someone else would make a big deal about how she couldn't get into the festival but I know that its hard. The only person that I know who got in to NXNE is this guy I know in a low-fi political rap band called The Fearless Vampire Killers. They are really good but they've been applying forever. I guess once the selection committee starts to reconise your name, it's a little easier.

Psyched up for my Risk tournament coming up. I've been figuring out strategies all week. I might have exciting things on the horizon but I can't let that affect my game.

2003-06-04T09:09:00.000-04:00

Randy gave me some good advice about my date. I have to admit that I wouldn't have thought that he would have that much to say but Randy's actually been on a lot of dates. I think that he feels lucky that he's got Agnes. I've never met her and know Tim a little. He comes to games night sometimes. Agnes seems like a nice person but I think that she's got that crazy wedding sickness that women get... you know when they become Bridezillas. Randy really loves her so I'm sure that it's all worth it. I thought of saying something but what can I say to him. I'm not Tom Welling or anything.

I think that I should sit with Dana today. I know that you should play it cool but I don't want her to think that I'm snubbing her or anything.

A funny thing happened at work today. I was running late so I didn't get the chance to have my normal nutritious breakfast (read: m&ms and a can of pepsi). Don't laugh but that stuff really gives you an energy kick in the morning. Well by the time I got to work, I was about to experience total meltdown. So halfway through the morning, I grabbed a hot dog from the street vendor. My mom is completely paranoid about those vendors, by the way. She thinks they give you food poisoning automatically. I went back into the office and realized that the guy gave me a bratwurst instead of just a regular hot dog. I'm no real fan of bratwurst. My grandmother's all over it but I can't stand the stuff... mostly because it's spicy. I could only eat a couple of bites but I have this starving children in Africa guilt complex so I went around the office asking if anyone wanted the rest. Most people thought that handing over a half eaten bratwirst was disgusting but Jerry had no problems taking it off my hands. FYI, Jerry's a courier and will eat anything. Of course, all of the sudden everyone’s like, “Hmm… You know, now I feel like a hot dog!” There’s just something about watching another person eat... I guess.

Well, that hot dog guy got so much business (thanks to yours trully) that he gave me a free hot dog. That was great. Who says there's no such thing as a free lunch.

2003-06-03T09:06:00.000-04:00

Sometimes life is a very strange thing.

Just when I'm sweating about asking Dana out, she did it for me. I was coming home from work last night on the train and she was sitting by herself. I didn't want to interrupt her but later I went over to see what she was working on. It turns out that Dana's got a gig at NXNE and was trying to get a new CD cover designed. Dana's a good artist but there are some things a junior graphic designer knows that the average artist does not... so it's Big Man to the rescue. I actually sat down and helped her work through her ideas. It's funny how when one (read: me) is nervous it's easier to find something to focus on like work. Anyway, we came up with ideas and one thing lead to another and next thing I know, she suggests that we grab some food on Saturday, I'm all cool, like, yeah we could do that... no BIG deal.

I went to games night and hoped that Randy was going to be there. He wasn't so I'll have to give him all the details tomorrow on the way home from work. I hope that he's on the train home tomorrow. He's been so busy with all these wedding plans that I rarely see the guy. It's better when Randy's there because sometimes I feel really out of place. Most people treat me like a kid other than Randy and, now, Dana. Someone like Nicole isn't that much older than me but she looks at me like I'm five or something. All I'm saying is that when you commute everyday, it's better to have people on the same wavelength that you can talk to.

I told Erik the news about Dana. He was really enthusiastic. I don't know if I'll tell Shauna... I think it's a little early. I mean, a date's just a date.

2003-06-02T09:02:00.000-04:00

Shauna went away this weekend with a group of her waitress buddies so it was guy's night in for me and Erik. We found this list of top sci fi films of all time and have been working our way down the list. Some of the stuff like 'Blade Runner' and 'Alien' are cool but I have to wonder about movies like 'Tron' (totally out of date) or 'The Day the Earth Stood Still' (lame). We rented 'Gattaca' (4/10) and 'RoboCop' (8/10). Then we watched 'A Clockwork Orange' (8/10) which I thought was good but not distrubing or anything like that. I don't know, whenever someone talks about movies being disturbing, they never are. I remember when Erik saw 'Eraserhead' and went on and on about it.

Anyway, Erik pointed out to me that I was talking a lot about Dana. That's kind of weird because I think that she's really cool but not in a tries hard way. He was actually pretty good about it. He didn't make fun of me or anything but suggested that I ask her out. I told him that there was no way that someone like Dana would go out with someone like me. I hate to admit it but she's totally out of my league. Maybe not when I'm a succesful comic book artist but for now... Erik says that I've got nothing to loose but when's the last time that anyone went out with him. I mean, he talks all about the girls that like him but have I seen any evidence? No way. That guy's the biggest virgin in the universe. ha ha.

Maybe I should ask Dana out. I mean, I'm not a social reject or anything and we always have lots to talk about. The problem will be how to do it quietly without someone like Pete or Lucas watching? Or even Brenda? Well, if there's a chance, and if I'm feeling brave... maybe. It would be cool, though.

2003-05-29T13:09:00.000-04:00

Hey... okay, this is my first entry so I guess I should give you a bit of background. My name's Zach and I'm 19. I'm a graphic designer at T-dot magazine. In case any of you don't come from the centre of the universe (AKA Toronto), T-dot's a free newspaper with listings, political commentary, arts reviews. I've just started work there but it seems like a good place to work.

On the side, I'm working on this new superhero comic book called Big Man. It's about this guy who gets super strength whenever he gets aroused... kind of like the Hulk. He's completely macho, gets all the chicks, fights crime and defends the world from evil doers. I might post some of my art in a while but this whole blogging thing is kind of new so... we shall see.

Right now I live with my friends Shauna and Erik. Erik is a bit of a loser but he's a good guy. Shauna is terrific. She's a waitress and we've been friends forever. We went to high school together and she's the kind of girl that you can just hang with... Shauna broke up with her boyfriend about three months ago and I've been her shoulder to cry on. Can't say that I've minded it.

Okay, that's me. I'll try to write again... I'm thinking that you can follow my quest for world domination by checking in here.