Monday, June 30, 2003

So I'm freaking about this whole weblog thing. We were talking about revenge on Friday on the way home and I kept thinking about Pete. I don't know why he's so upset. It's not like I spend all my time dissing him. Maybe he's jelaous that I didn't write a lot about him and to pay me back, he's torturing me.

The weekend was okay but I feel like I'm living in a heightened state of something or other.

But I have to remember that this is a private thing and people shouldn't be offended. I don't do this to get anyone back or to extract a cold, calculating revenge. I just think these things and feel like I need to get it out. I know some people push everything down and walk around like everything's cool but then they explode and throw a murder party. I think its much, much healthier to rant for a while on a website than go postal.

So its healthy.

So there.

Okay, tiny bit of gossip that I need to get out of my head: Nicole's Max is married. I told you she lives in an alternate reality.

Friday, June 27, 2003

Right... so Pete found this site and now I have to do:


If I wrote about you on the site and it offends you, sorry. I did it in the spur of the moment and I am prone to exaggeration. I don't believe in editing this site because it is my brain in its purest form. You wouldn't edit a diary. I don't give out surnames so people shouldn't be so vain to think that I'm writing about them.

If you don't like this, don't read it. It's not meant for haters.

Thursday, June 26, 2003

There's so much to do at work. There were all kinds of problems in the Pride Week guide and events keep on getting added at the last minute. Work is insane and Shelley is insisting on perfection.
I missed the train home today and ended up coming in around 9. Shauna and Erik were in the living room boith reading that stupid Harry Potter book. I would like to say that I hate Harry Potter. Those books are so lame, and people don't realise that they are just magical boarding school stories like those 50s books. I tried to read one of them but the ending was obvious and it was overall pretty boring. However, both my roomates are fans. They kept on doing the 'Are you at this part when...' or 'Wait until you get to...' I went to my room.
Shauna droped by and asked me if I wanted some leftovers from her dinner which she had made from the restaurant. Anyway, she came into my room and lay down on my bed. She wanted to know if everything was okay about Dana because I hadn't mentioned it or talked about it for a while. I was a little surprised but I think that she really wanted to hear what I was thinking. I told her how I met Sue and how I still feel a little hurt by the whole thing. I haven't even sat with Dana since she told me that she was gay. Shauna admited that she had had a crush on her gay friend Derek for a while but it doesn't stop them from hanging out. She thinks of him as just another girl but I don't know if I can think about Dana as a guy. Shauna said that I think of her as a guy and I thought that was poignant because I don't think of her like that anymore.

Wednesday, June 25, 2003

It's Pride Week here in the centre of the universe. It kicks off tonight and lasts all weekend. I remember going to Pride a couple of years ago when I was in high school and it was like the gay pavillion at Disneyland. Of course, as Tdot is one of the official sponsors of the week, I've got to put in a couple of extra hours tonight. I love it when they say... oh could you put in some time... like the "could you" is a thinly veiled... would you??? Oh well, that means that its going to be a late night for Zach.
I've been looking over this blog and have found something increadibly disturbing... I either talk about girls that I like or these people that I take the train with. The train is a commuter train so it's not like I'm grabbing the orient express everyday. I look like I have less of a life than I actually do. Actually, nothing happened yesterday except for some crossword follies where Randy was stressing out over a waterfowl clue "T_ _ k". Uneventfully, it turned out that Randy didn't know that dog in German ended with a D and not a T so really it was a "d_ _ k" which makes everything that much easier. Is my life an ongoing whirlwind of excitement? Je pense que non (that's french immersion for you, or what's left of it).

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

We were talking about childhood heros yesterday on the way home from work. I was sitting with Randy and this girl, Nicole, who I know but not very well. Nicole's one of those people who you think has about a million different lives, like a secret agent. I don't know why I feel that way about her but it just seems like she's got so much going on. She works at this very exclusive hotel downtown on 'Guest Services' which means that she takes care of guests. I think that they do things like redecorate people like J.Lo's hotel room in white silk. So Nicole would be the one who would assign the unlucky bellboy to do that redecorating job. We were telling stories aobu t how we found inspiration in the strangest sources as kids. I mentioned how The Hulk helped me stand up to this bully that I had when I was in grade school. I think her name was Lorraine something-or-other (My mother says that she's in law school now, which is perfect for bullies). Okay, I know that it kind of sucks that my childhood bully was a girl but she was a mean girl, like one of those field hockey ones without the cute skirts... Randy totally shocked me because he said that he got inspiration from Rocky. This was weird because I would have thought he would be more influences by comic books but he revealed himself as a multi-dimentional geek by mentioning Rocky. Actually, I'm now using the word 'geek' as an endearing term with Randy. He has been under a lot of stress and I should be more tolerant. Nicole told this story that was surprisingly hot. It was how she took her top off at a party in an immitation of Jennifer 'Flashdance' Beals. I couldn't believe it. I guess under the staid facade of a guest services person beats a total wild woman. I know that her boyfriend/fiance/whatever is supposedly an 'older gentleman'. I wonder if she gets the chance to let loose and just relax. All these people with older partners make me feel like a baby. Maybe I just need to get with a real woman to show me how its done... a la Demi Moore/Aston Kutcher. Ha ha. Right, maybe if I didn't look 12 I'd have more of a shot with the laydeez.
Shauna's working evenings so this is the extent of our communication:
Me: Hi Shauna.
Shauna (exhausted): Hi Zach
Me: How was work?
Shauna: Okay...
Me: How are you?
Shauna: Tired. I'm going to bed. See ya tomorrow, okay?
Me: Sleep well.

This is what its like everyday. No tea, no pyjama flouncing... no nothing.

Monday, June 23, 2003

Post-weekend traumatic stress disorder. This was one lousy weekend for yours truly. First off, on the way home from work on Friday I was stuck sitting with this guy Pete and the always lovable Mrs. Murphy. First off, Mrs. Murphy wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to be gay because Dana is a lesbian. So maybe someone out in web-land can explain this little gem to me. Okay, so I liked Dana. Okay, so Dana's gay. Big deal. I think I would like to see what goes on in Brenda Murphy's head because how she could draw such a clear line from one thing to the other is beyond me. This guy Pete who was sitting with us, who kind of know but not really. Here's my summary of what Pete is like: the guy always has one of those earpieces in. Obviously he's so important (I think he's a stock broker or something equally dull) that to take that stupid thing out of his ear for one minute would alter the course of world history. Strangely, the only call that I've ever heard him receive was to be dumped by someone from Mrs. Murphy's office. Pete also treats me like I'm something on the bottom of his shoe. He looks down at me and pretends that everything he says is so much more evolved that anything that I could ever understand. It was a pretty annoying ride home.

So the weekend... right. Well, let's see... was it the fact that Shauna ditched seeing The Hulk with me to go off to some party for Erik's friends. This was a little strange because it was all so last minute. I was actually in line, getting tickets when she called to say that Erik was going to this party and did I want to come because she was going. I said no because I didn't want to and also I was almost at the front of the line. So I went to see The Hulk by myself. It was extremely okay. Thought that Eric Bana was good, Nick Nolte looked like that mug shot and the CGI Hulk wasn't too annoying. Anyway if you have a really good tv, I would wait for the video. And of course, if The Hulk was a childhood inspiration, go see the film. Did you ever notice that there's all these tormented superhero movies out lately?

Anyway, Erik's party was supposedly fun. I think that he did his Nemo Seagull immitation again much to the delight of losers everywhere. Barely saw Shauna because she had the brunch rush yesterday. Most disappointing weekend was had by me.

Friday, June 20, 2003

I'm trying to think of a word to describe Lucas and its not coming to me. Actually, the word that I'm thinking of is 'doink' but that is a stupid, immature word... so let's leave it at that. I came home yesterday and wanted to spend some quiet train time working on my comic. But Lucas the Lothario (you like that? it's alliteration or something) came and sat next to me. He wanted to know if I'd seen Animatrix (which of course I had) and started talking at me. I hate it when people talk at you when clearly you are doing something else... like, I don't know that he's sitting right across from me, trying to get my attention. So the big idiot starts squirting me with his water bottle, totally ruining my Bigman work and soaking my pants. Of course I looked like I peed myself. So what could I do but fight back? My honour must be protected. We engaged in a water fight until some kid came up and pointed out that Lucas also looked like he wet himself. Ha ha. Turned out that Lucas knew the kid's folks and went to school with them 'back in the day'. Of course, when Lucas left it gave Shannon the chance to give her opinion on what she sees as a dangerous thing: me looking up to Lucas. She was kind of right to call me on it because I have been admiring the adman since he hooked me up with booze in an attempt to help me get over Dana. Of course, its not just because he is the purveyor of flasked alcohol but because he can get any girl he wants and actually get them wherever he wants. Shannon was all like you can't go around being a player or else you'll get played... which I think is a good point. It did make me think about this whole Shauna thing and how maybe the Dana thing was falling for the outside of the person instead of the inside. I think I might have let on to Shannon that I've got a thing for Shauna. I wonder if she thinks I'm a loser for moving on to another girl so quickly? It doesn't matter because I know Shauna more as a person than I ever knew Dana.
Plans for this weekend? I am going to see 'The Hulk', probably Saturday. Erik is coming and Shauna, surprisingly, was interested as well. Usually she goes to see movies like 'Whale Rider' but she actually wants to see this one. She says its because she likes Ang Lee but that is just a theory to cover up the truth. I really liked the Hulk when I was younger but later thought he wasn't so great. It just seemed like he's got anger issues. I'm interested to see what's going to be done and I hope that there's a good story. I mean, I thought that 'X-Men 2' was better than 'X-Men' because it was way less meet-the-mutants but then Batman, Spiderman and Superman originals were the best of the series. I hope that the CGI Hulk isn't too annoying but he looks pretty realistic. We shall see. Stay turned True Believers...

Thursday, June 19, 2003

I wish that loser Erik was home a lot less. Whenever I want to hang out with Shauna, he's always around. I just want to be with Shauna alone. She came in late from work yesterday and was really exhausted. We stayed up and chatted for a while but then Erik came in. He just took Gerald (who is his little brother and not some middle-aged man) to see 'Finding Nemo'. He said it was great and then went on and on about how hilarious the sea turle was, doing the voice and immitating parts from the movie. I hate it when people do that... I'm like, if I wanted to see the movie, I would see the movie, not listen to some guy pretending to be the turtle. Shauna must have been more tired than I thought because she was really laughing at his impressions. 'Oh, Erik' she kept on saying. I think I might have snapped the chords in the back of my eyes from rolling them so much (note to self: what are those things called, I'm sure that chords isn't the right answer). All I'm saying is that since I've been using Shauna to get over Dana, the more it feels like the answers to all my problems were right in front of my face.
Speaking of Dana, she brought her girlfriend on the train yesterday. I actually met her (without realising that they were together) before. Sue seems pretty down to earth and not at all Dana-like. She has this older lesbian vibe to her, which means that she's comfortable with her sexuality and doesn't care who knows it. Actually, Sue is pretty attractive in a lesbian sort of way. I mean, she doesn't wear plaid or anything like that. She's pretty earthy. Maybe that's why Dana asks so grown up, because of Sue. I don't think that I could handle being with someone who was obscenely mature.

I've kind of wanted a *serious* relationship for a while now and I think that Shauna might just be that person. When I look at someone like Lucas and how he a magic effect on the ladies, I wish I had more of that. Okay, so he's a male slut but what's wrong with that. At least he's getting it, unlike someone else I know. Lucas just has this way of doing things that makes me go, yeah, that could be me. Yeah, right... like in an alternate universe where I am not the KING of the GEEKS.
And speaking of GEEKS, guess who got one of those phones with a camera? That's right, the big man himself... Mr. Randy Ko. I have to admit that its a pretty cool little toy. I would like something like that... then I could put it in Shauna's room when she's getting ready for bed... or doing other things... heh heh... I am evil Zach, getting a bit more like Lucas every day.

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

Today was the first day in what feels like forever that I woke up and didn't think about Dana. Of course, the fact that I feel the need to write this doesn't exactly prove that I'm over her. Great. Now I'm obsessed with a lesbian that I can't have. It's like the on-again-off-again relationship between Peter Parker and Mary Jane ...except that we won't be together in the end. Um, so actually its nothing like that. Maybe the reason why Dana's less on my mind is that I've started thinking about Shauna in a more serious way. She was so great when I was dealing with the Dana thing. I always though that she was hot but in a my guy friend who happens to be a girl kind of way. Now I'm thinking that she's hot in a my roomate is sexxxy kind of way. It makes things a little weird. Maybe I've always had these feelings. I've known her for a long time and they say that if you know someone for a while they either gain or loose their attractivity (is that a word?)

I realise that I was a bit harsh on Randy yesterday and seriously thought about printing a retraction. Now, I just feel sorry for the guy. We were coming home yesterday and he was still going on about the diet. I tried being supportive, telling him how loosing weight is a good thing, can make you look better/feel better but all the guy does is complain and complain and complain.

My office at work is freezing! This sucks because its pretty warm and nice outside but I still have to bring a coat and throw it into my locker. Jeez, I sound like I'm still in high school. Maybe we'll have a locker decorating contest.

I have such an exciting life.

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

I am not going to talk to Dana. I've got nothing to say to her. It's funny because there's that old debate about men and women being friends once sex is out of the picture... I used to think it was possible but now with Dana... I'm not so sure. I'm tired of being the nice guy, best friend, undatable.

Randy is really starting to piss me off. There, I've said it. I mean, I like Randy a lot and we've known eachother for almost a year... however, I'm getting sick and tired of how whipped he is. All he does is complain about Agnes but in this passive agressive way. He complains about how she makes him do this or that but then never does anything to stop it. I mean, at some point the guy's got to grow a spine. He's getting married to a woman that he raely says anything nice about. I wish he would either stand up for himself or quit his whinning. Last week, he threw up on the train. Let me type that again... he THREW UP on the TRAIN. How pathetic. I used to think that Randy was the coolest guy I knew, I mean, the coolest over 20 guy that I know but he keeps on getting himself in these situations where his natural lame-itude keeps on shinning through. Maybe I'm just going through a 'I Hate Everyone' phase. Probably he'll do something nice for me tomorrow and I'll be forced to publish a retraction but for today... I can't stop thinking about it. Is it possible to outgrow your best friend? And now that I'm best man, is that a lie?

Monday, June 16, 2003

Dad's Day was good. I have to say that Dr. Stephen Eisler was most appreciative of the card I made him. Orginally I bought him this bottle of scotch. I would like to add that I'm a little weirded out by the fact that I can legally buy alcohol. Actually, it was kind of amusing because they always assume that kids just want to buy beer and alcopops and there I am in the fine ports section of the LCBO. Of course, I got carded but what else is new? I was proud of this new and very mature gift and felt the need to share it on the train. Then Lucas takes a look and slams my scotch. Aparently there are a list of things that a discerning scotch drinker should look for and -- as I am not a discerning scotch drinker -- failed miserably. He was so embarrsed FOR ME that he gave me my $40 back. So much for grown up mature gift. Everyone passed around the bottle and enjoy the scotch. I have to admit that I think its an acquired taste (ie. I thought it tasted like paint thinner -- not that I've ever tasted paint thinner).
Liz was talking about how her dad was a drunk. I got the impression that he's dead now but it sounds like he was pretty horrible to live with when he was alive. I think that he used to beat the crap out of her and her brothers. Lucas started off trying to top her 'I hate my dad' stories because his father didn't pay enough attention to him and sent him money for his birthday * Like cry me a river, Justin* Lucas stoped when he realised that the money=love angle was nothing compared to the beating=love angle of Liz's childhood. Makes me happy that Dr. Stephen is my dad, despite all his lecturing to me about having a "fallback" job and a "real future". The problem is that Dr. Stephen never took a risk in his life and everything was planned out for him. Go to university, go to med school, specialise in something, get married, get some kids, move to a nice big house (registered trademark), have a happy family (registered trademark), retire and move to Florida. Again, this sense of family bitterness seems to linger.
Of course, David outdid himself with his present for Dr. Stephen. Mom and Dad worship his science-loving ass. He got Dr. Dad a subscription to this Medical Wellness newsletter from some prominent California university.

All this said, Dad did love the card so it was a small victory. I rule.

(i'm so very sad and pathetic)

Friday, June 13, 2003

Pajamas are the greatest thing ever.

I left work early yesterday, thanks to my boss who said I looked "horrid". She wouldn't let me work another minute after I came back from lunch. Not that I was going to protest whatsoever.

So I hopped on the 1:43pm train out of Union and headed home.

It was kinda weird. There I am sitting on the train like I usually do every night going home with the same group of people, Lucas, Nicole, Pete, Randy ... and others. But this is a whole new experience. It's light outside, there are fewer people sitting in my car ... someone is sitting in MY seat, but whatever. I'm the stranger and this is a foreign land to me.

The ride home was pleasant enough. A nice older lady sat next to me, knitting. Her daughter is having her first child, so she was knitting a little outfit for the new grandchild. She talked to me a bit about her life (very interesting - she was a secretary of Trudeau's at one time), and asked me what I did and what I want to do later in life, you know, the typical questions you get from your grandmother or ... a stranger on the train. The whole moment was too surreal in a way. The knitting, the kind older lady, the fact that it was quiet on the train for once ... I dunno. It was a calm moment. Gave me some time to reflect and relax for a bit. I was still feeling a bit of the affects from Wednesday night (someone has to invent a get-over-hangovers-fast pill or something).

Shauna was home. She was surprised to see me, but was glad that I was home. She fixed me some tea (which I'm not a huge fan of to begin with), told me to change into my pj's, sat me down on the couch, brought me a comforter, wrapped me up and then we sat. Sat and watched the blank TV for a bit. The tea was soothing, the blanket was warm and Shauna's company was just what the doctor ordered. We had fallen behind on the daily updates of what happens to her at work, we call it the Daily Dish (apropriately named as it's the name of her restaurant) ... so we shared a lot of laughs over the antics of the idiotic patrons she has to serve.

Shauna actually apologized for not being as supportive as she should have been. I told her it was alright, but she felt bad for kinda brushing me off earlier when I was so excited about Dana. It's alright. It kinda stung at the time, but I'm over it. Water under the bridge, right? She's an amazing friend and I'm so lucky to have someone like her around to make me tea when I need it.

so. yeah.

I'm feeling better today. It's gross outside with all this rain, not the best way to uplift ones mood, but that's okay. I got soaked today by a bus going by on my way to work, but it didn't phase me. Usually I would have been real pissed off. Now. It's kinda zen almost. Hehehe. Okay, not Zen, I'm just in this calmer place. There are other things that I have to deal with, bigger issues, figure out what I'm doing with my life. I need to talk to more older lady's.

Let's see how everything goes tonight ... back on the train ...


Thursday, June 12, 2003

Mornings are not supposed to feel like this. Am I feeling? Do I feel anything? No. Not much. Except for that pounding headache, the dehydration, the numb mind, the broken heart, the awkward feelings, the bags under my eyes - yah, I'm feeling great. Just great.

I drank my face off last night. Started on the train, thanks to Lucas and his little "helper" flask of vodka. By the time I had left the train, I could hardly see straight, I was walking into people, got on the wrong bus and didn't realize it until 15 minutes later, stumbled the rest of my way home - my head was NOT in the right space to do anything. And then I broke into Erik's "secret" stash of liquor (it's not so secret, it's under his bed). I had myself a little party in my room. Just me and a little southern comfort. Ugh. I'm getting sick just thinking about it ...

I scribbled some junk in my book about BigMan and then read it this morning. I don't know what I was thinking. It's totally ridiculous. All of it. I don't even want to get into it because ... it's just not worth it.


So. Dana's a lesbian. Hit me like a ton of bricks - BAM! All this after I tried to KISS HER - or rather DID kiss her and she pulled away. Immediately I was like, "She's got a boyfriend, she's not interested, she's ..." whatever. I should have seen it coming ... THE WORST PART IS ... I've met her girlfriend - Sue or Susan or something - at a gig that Dana played in Burlington. I'm such a LOSER!!

Why didn't she tell me? What was that "date" all about? Why take me out for dinner? What!? All the signs and the vibes. I thought for SURE she was into me. I thought - I thought - I ...

She's gay. I'm straight. She likes chicks. And so do I. Ah. Conflict right there.

It was so painful to be on that train tonight. I was dreading it all day. I tried to sit alone in the back but Mrs. Murphy just had to drop by to give me more advice. Does she thinks she's a mother to us all? "Mother knows best!" Not her. I don't envy her kids at all. She must keep an iron fist around them - no secrets in that house, that's for sure. She kept going on about how I should try again.

I didn't tell her Dana was a lesbian. That would set her off for sure and I wasn't in the mood.

Thank God Lucas came along.

I showed him some sketches from BigMan that I was working on ... he seemed really into it. Guess he's a comic book lover too. And that's when he whipped out the flask. And then things get fuzzy.

I think he's working on a film script? Uh, Bone Hugger or ... Melting Bones ... or ... Boner something. I don't know. Something to do with bones and ... whatever. Sounded alright I guess.

But then he was talking about BigMan and how having a lifestyle like he has where he can get all these girls and is all studly (even gets them into the washroom on the train!!) isn't all that fulfilling. Man! He's having all this sex and he says that's not what he really wants. Is he INSANE? What I wouldn't do to be like him or BigMan. What I wouldn't do to be less "geeky" and more ... "sexy". To find a girl who likes me - to be "attractive" to someone ...

Lucas doesn't realize how lucky he is.

I don't want to be here ... I don't want to be here ... I want to be in bed ...

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

What. Have. I. Done?


Tuesday, June 10, 2003

How far would you go to be with someone. I lay awake in bed last night after scarfing down a large pot of KD as the fridge was a bare. No one in the house has time to go grocery shopping, so I dipped into our emergency stash of KD. Ah the joys of being young and ... what the hell am I talking about?

That's what my mind was like last night. I couldn't get to sleep. I started thinking about something that Randy was talking about on the train ride home last night. Aparently, Agnes wants him to lose weight. Now. Okay. Sure. Being physically fit is great, it's healthy, it's ... it's good. Sure. But Randy isn't obese or anything like that. The way he was talking about it, it was almost as if Agnes was forcing him to lose all this weight.

I can't say anything bad really about this woman that he's so "in love" with, but she seems like a control freak! The way I see it, there are two sides to this argument.

1. Changing someone for the better.
I figure, in a relationship, the two people in it are going to change whether they realize it or not. They're gonna rub off on each other, right? So change is inevitable. Certain things are going to have to adjust in order to make their lives fit together. Everyone comes from a different history and background. Everyone is bringing something different to the relationship. Everyone is going to change. Shuana's last boyfriend, Mike, was an ass. He was so stubborn - that's the kind of person that's gonna find it really hard to be in a relationship. Dana is someone that could definitely rub off on me in the right kind of way. After our date on Saturday, I realized that I'm not up on world politics as much as I, as a concerned citizen of the worldly state, should be. So this morning I bought a paper and started to read it front to back. Even the business section. I want to be "in-the-know". I came across this really interesting article about the Three Gorges Dam in China. They've like, totally wipped out entire villages that have been standing there for thousands of years, and relocated millions of people to new towns in order to flood the area. This dam is the largest ever built. It's massive! The flooding is happening as we speak. Or as I type.

See? That's a change for the better. Now I know what's going on around me. I feel smarter already.


And number 2. Forcing someone to change.
Agnes for example. Everytime Randy talks about her, there's something else she wants him to change. Like the fact that Randy had to change his best man from Tim to me -

Oh. I totally forgot to mention. Randy asked me to be his best man!! And I accepted. Yay. Big news.

But, the fact that Agnes made him change his best man because she thought people would think he's a loser - what's that about? Whatever happened to loving the person for who they are. If you have to change someone to fit what you're looking for in a partner, there's no point in being with that person. We're all individuals. Right? We all have our own lives. We're an individual before, during and after a relationship. A relationshp is a partnership. Mutual respect and understanding for one another.

Everyone's looking for the perfect person. Dana comes pretty close (haha), but we're all flawed. We're all messed up in some way. There is no perfection. That would be boring. Try as we might, we're never gonna create the perfect human. It's humanly impossible.

I gotta lay off the sci-fi.

So that's what kept me up at night. And now I'm exhausted.

Coffee ...

Monday, June 09, 2003

Saturday. Wow. Oh to relive Saturday. Is there a rewind button I can use to go back and replay that night?

Obviously things went well with Dana. Really well. Really wow-she's-super-hot-and-smart-and-funny-and-wow-wow-wow ... Okay. I'm over doing it. Only because I was so happy. I was flying on cloud ... 13 the rest of the weekend. I haven't been able to concentrate on anything since then. I think I wore Shauna's ear off when I got home that night. She was still up watching some lame movie of the week. It was almost 2am I think. Anyway. I talked her ear off. She's a bit sick about hearing the name "Dana," but I say, "Hey. I've heard all about your man troubles. So deal. My turn. I'm up to bat. That's right. This is all about me."

Okay so I didn't actually say that. But I thought it. And then I thought about Dana. This must be love. Am I in love? Is this love? What is love? Who knows. I've never felt this way before about anyone. My mind is constantly drifting away from what I should be concentrating on to that girl on the train that drives me insane. Ha! A poet I am ... or not.

Erik was pretty excited for me. We grabbed some grub on Sunday at our favorite greasy spoond. He was right in there with me. That's one thing I love about Erik, always willing to listen to anything I have to say.

I can't wait to tell the guys on the train tonight. OH! I wonder if Dana will be on it. I hope so. To have one more look at that beautiful woman ... sigh ...

Whoops! Boss lady's coming. I'd better concentrate on my work.

Blah. Work. Who needs it when you've got "Dana" on the brain?

Friday, June 06, 2003

So my date with Dana's tomorrow night. We've decided to go to some vegetarian restaurant which is obviously her choice. I hope that there's something to read other than tofu or vegetables or something else equally horrible. But, the food's not really important. Wait a second... did I just say that food wasn't important????

I didn't see her yesterday because things ran late at work. With all the changes to that NXNE lineup, we were pushed a lot of our regualr work aside this week. I needed to stay late and go through some ads. Shelley was working late as well and we starting talking. At first, I was really intimidated by her because she's super gorgeous but yesterday, she was telling me about her kid and her husband so she seemed like a real person. You can't have a crush on your boss, that's just a little sad.

I can't decide if I should show up to Dana's gig before our dinner. I've thought about it. Maybe it makes me way too eager but on the other hand, she would probably like the suport. It's easy for smaller acts to get lost in the NXNE shuffle.

Am trying not to get too excited about our dinner and am trying to concentrate on other things. I wonder if Randy's got any last minute advice. Maybe he'll come to her gig with me because that's way less obvious. Oh wait, Agnes isn't crazy about live music. She likes Celine Dion and that 'adult contemporary' stuff. Maybe she'll be going away this weekend?

Thursday, June 05, 2003

Some people are so narrowminded. I forget that most of the world is filled with people who have no clue. Yesterday I was on my way home from work and wanted to sit with Dana. I wanted to know how everything's going for her show and generally just hang out with her. Well, that didn't happen. Mrs. Murphy came over and sat with us. I really feel sorry for her kids. She has these views from the 50s and I'm like, come on lady, get with the new millennium. It was kind of funny because I could see how annoyed she made Dana, it was like everything that you shouldn't say, Brenda did. She starts off nattering on and on about what a bad day she's had. Then, she tells us about this insurance claim. Who cares???? I don't think that she got the hint that nobody was interested. She talked about running into Dana's parents on the weekend (I guess they go to church together),about how her kid is in a kiddie pageant or something and how the church is having a Christian rap concert with 'The Allmightys' and a couple other lame Christian bands. And she's all, why don't you come Zach... I mean, why don't you AND DANA come. So I told her that I'm Jewish and she was like... oh, I know a lot of Jewish people and they're all very nice. It's like when my grandmother talks about Chinese people and says how she has SO MANY Chinese friends... yet can't name any of them. It was pretty uncomfortable, especially with Dana there.
Anyway, she finally got up and moved off to pester someone else. By that time, Dana was so embarrassed about Mrs. Murphy's attitude that it totally killed the mood. I tried to keep the mood light by telling her about my free hot dog but then I realized that she's a vegetarian... I felt like a total loser.
Before Mrs. Murphy came in with her blah blah blah, Dana actually admitted something to me. Her show isn't part of NXNE but part of this fringe show. I think that it's great that she feels she can trust me like that. Probably someone else would make a big deal about how she couldn't get into the festival but I know that its hard. The only person that I know who got in to NXNE is this guy I know in a low-fi political rap band called The Fearless Vampire Killers. They are really good but they've been applying forever. I guess once the selection committee starts to reconise your name, it's a little easier.

Psyched up for my Risk tournament coming up. I've been figuring out strategies all week. I might have exciting things on the horizon but I can't let that affect my game.

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

Randy gave me some good advice about my date. I have to admit that I wouldn't have thought that he would have that much to say but Randy's actually been on a lot of dates. I think that he feels lucky that he's got Agnes. I've never met her and know Tim a little. He comes to games night sometimes. Agnes seems like a nice person but I think that she's got that crazy wedding sickness that women get... you know when they become Bridezillas. Randy really loves her so I'm sure that it's all worth it. I thought of saying something but what can I say to him. I'm not Tom Welling or anything.

I think that I should sit with Dana today. I know that you should play it cool but I don't want her to think that I'm snubbing her or anything.

A funny thing happened at work today. I was running late so I didn't get the chance to have my normal nutritious breakfast (read: m&ms and a can of pepsi). Don't laugh but that stuff really gives you an energy kick in the morning. Well by the time I got to work, I was about to experience total meltdown. So halfway through the morning, I grabbed a hot dog from the street vendor. My mom is completely paranoid about those vendors, by the way. She thinks they give you food poisoning automatically. I went back into the office and realized that the guy gave me a bratwurst instead of just a regular hot dog. I'm no real fan of bratwurst. My grandmother's all over it but I can't stand the stuff... mostly because it's spicy. I could only eat a couple of bites but I have this starving children in Africa guilt complex so I went around the office asking if anyone wanted the rest. Most people thought that handing over a half eaten bratwirst was disgusting but Jerry had no problems taking it off my hands. FYI, Jerry's a courier and will eat anything. Of course, all of the sudden everyone’s like, “Hmm… You know, now I feel like a hot dog!” There’s just something about watching another person eat... I guess.

Well, that hot dog guy got so much business (thanks to yours trully) that he gave me a free hot dog. That was great. Who says there's no such thing as a free lunch.

Tuesday, June 03, 2003

Sometimes life is a very strange thing.

Just when I'm sweating about asking Dana out, she did it for me. I was coming home from work last night on the train and she was sitting by herself. I didn't want to interrupt her but later I went over to see what she was working on. It turns out that Dana's got a gig at NXNE and was trying to get a new CD cover designed. Dana's a good artist but there are some things a junior graphic designer knows that the average artist does not... so it's Big Man to the rescue. I actually sat down and helped her work through her ideas. It's funny how when one (read: me) is nervous it's easier to find something to focus on like work. Anyway, we came up with ideas and one thing lead to another and next thing I know, she suggests that we grab some food on Saturday, I'm all cool, like, yeah we could do that... no BIG deal.

I went to games night and hoped that Randy was going to be there. He wasn't so I'll have to give him all the details tomorrow on the way home from work. I hope that he's on the train home tomorrow. He's been so busy with all these wedding plans that I rarely see the guy. It's better when Randy's there because sometimes I feel really out of place. Most people treat me like a kid other than Randy and, now, Dana. Someone like Nicole isn't that much older than me but she looks at me like I'm five or something. All I'm saying is that when you commute everyday, it's better to have people on the same wavelength that you can talk to.

I told Erik the news about Dana. He was really enthusiastic. I don't know if I'll tell Shauna... I think it's a little early. I mean, a date's just a date.

Monday, June 02, 2003

Shauna went away this weekend with a group of her waitress buddies so it was guy's night in for me and Erik. We found this list of top sci fi films of all time and have been working our way down the list. Some of the stuff like 'Blade Runner' and 'Alien' are cool but I have to wonder about movies like 'Tron' (totally out of date) or 'The Day the Earth Stood Still' (lame). We rented 'Gattaca' (4/10) and 'RoboCop' (8/10). Then we watched 'A Clockwork Orange' (8/10) which I thought was good but not distrubing or anything like that. I don't know, whenever someone talks about movies being disturbing, they never are. I remember when Erik saw 'Eraserhead' and went on and on about it.

Anyway, Erik pointed out to me that I was talking a lot about Dana. That's kind of weird because I think that she's really cool but not in a tries hard way. He was actually pretty good about it. He didn't make fun of me or anything but suggested that I ask her out. I told him that there was no way that someone like Dana would go out with someone like me. I hate to admit it but she's totally out of my league. Maybe not when I'm a succesful comic book artist but for now... Erik says that I've got nothing to loose but when's the last time that anyone went out with him. I mean, he talks all about the girls that like him but have I seen any evidence? No way. That guy's the biggest virgin in the universe. ha ha.

Maybe I should ask Dana out. I mean, I'm not a social reject or anything and we always have lots to talk about. The problem will be how to do it quietly without someone like Pete or Lucas watching? Or even Brenda? Well, if there's a chance, and if I'm feeling brave... maybe. It would be cool, though.

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